eat [drink] love

Right now, I'm reading Eat Pray Love and honestly this book makes me think about myself soo much. In a bigger way then just how unhappy I am right now and what I should be doing and all that. It makes me think of bigger things like should I believe in god? Do I need to pray? Am I wasting my time learning spanish instead of Italian when I think Italian is so much prettier? ok well some of the things are shallow, but don't we all have those thoughts once in a while?

Currently, I'm sick. Again. Big surprise there... actually, I'm afraid I'm relapsing already. Which would just break my heart and spirit. The other day when I told Patrick I felt like I was going to throw up he got mad at me. So in return I got mad at him. He really doesn't realize how hard living on your own is and not only that, but living with someone you're uncomfortable with. To the point where you don't feel safe in your room. Because you have to share it with that other person. Lets see, 1) I'm getting sick again 2) Patrick and I had a "fight" 3.) my friend told me she's bullemic 4) alllll I want to do is go home. and 5 (for now) .) fuck reslife.

Right now I mean the last one the most. Fuck Reslife. FUCK YOU. you have caused me nothing but trouble even before I got to school. Maybe that was a sign. A sign of me not supposed to come here? I'm not sure about that. I've found some really great people. Even though its taken a while. I mean I've also found some really not so great people, my roommate being one of those individuals. Which is frustrating. I mean yeah there were those people in High School and blah blah all the cliques. I find myself missing it more than anything. I miss band and being forced to play my instrument. I miss walking around and just knowing everyone and having the boys all stare at me for my boobs. Yeah I miss that. Everyone says college is the best 4 years of your life. well I can tell you it's not going to be 4 for me. This year, not even just the school year, has been what I've called a shit show. Started out with a concussion, family drama, getting sick, and leaving. Bad timing right? Seriously though. And now I'm lying in my bed dreading when my roommate is coming back into the room just to find me awake after I constantly pretend to be asleep to avoid her, sick and getting sicker, contemplating if I should even bother waking up tomorrow at 8 30 to drag myself to class where I'm going to sit with a dazed look on my face. Hopefully, I will. I love my spanish class. I really do. But the way I've been feeling lately is not so hot.

If any one does read this, please do the following : call your mom and say thank you. Say thank you for raising you and for working her ass off to get you where you are for her undying love for you. Say thank you for feeding you and getting you haircuts when you need them, for buying you that one thing you really wanted but really didn't need. Because once you turn 18 and move out, its all gone. And I know the independence is what most people strive for at my age but honestly, I'd rather be stuck at home on a friday night then go get drunk off my ass. Its just not my thing. If it were up to me, I'd be a mom by now. With an amazing baby and the most amazing husband I could ask for. Everyone says they know when they find "the one", and I don't know if I can say that right now, but I know that what I can say, is that I can't imagine not having Patrick around. We just add to each other and really bring out the best. Yet for some reason I still get anxious about the thought of going out on a date with him and worrying over who's paying. I really wish I could just pay and be done with it but that would be understood. I just think its so AWKWARD. But really, I do. But it doesn't stop me from loving him at all. I love the fact that he can sit on a couch with me or we can just talk about babies and dogs and read about our astrological signs on line.

I've covered [drink] and love, but not eat. probably because I'm currently hungry as it's one thirty in the morning and I could really go for some chicken wings. or a fabulous breakfast sandwhich. Eating "right" is seriously hard though. For example, you think hot chocolate is just a fabulous warm drink made to make you smile from the inside out? wrong. Its going to make you fat from the inside out, which in turn will make you do the opposite of smiling. And apparently it's really the freshman 7 instead of 15. But that doesn't sound any good. I'm not saying cut out hot chocolate all the time. Just not every morning.

Slow down. Life goes by faster than you know it and you don't want to live with any regrets. "Never regret something that once made you smile"- it's true when you think about it. You were happy for a reason. But really, what I want to say is, learn to be alone. Learn to be you and you alone. be comfortable walking into a room where you know nobody, and striking up a conversation. be comfortable eating by yourself in a crowded restaurant. Indulge. treat yourself well. and don't forget to smell the roses.

Home is Where the Heart is

Right now my home is mighty far away from me and is sleeping in a large bed. And I would do almost anything to be there right now. Patrick and I have been solidly together since we first hooked up on January 4th. And now I'm here at college. I can tell you, saying goodbye to him was the worst thing I've done. So along with saying goodbye to him, and having mono while going into my first year of college, I miss everything about being home. Well almost. I miss my mom telling me to take my vitamins and to sleep when I look like a truck hit me. I miss the quietness and the serenity. My puppy. My bed! I miss having friends who genuinely care, all around me and only a phone call away. Not being able to just go drive wherever I want is hard as well. I miss being in his arms and putting my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. The one in the teddy bear he gave me only makes me miss him more. Just to top things off I also found out that I won't be able to see him until NOVEMBER. I thought I was going to be seeing him in October and that was only like 6 weeks. I don't think I can make it 3 months. That's just going to suck.

So college. Is interesting. Honestly right now it fricken sucks. I have like one genuine friend but I don't want to over use her friendship. And I mean I know this is the biggest change in life I'm ever going to make but I'm not so sure I'm ready. Or maybe that this is the right place for me? But I have to give it a chance, that's what I keep telling myself. After all, once I find that one thing I love, I'm sure I'll enjoy the freedom. But another hard part is just living with people. I mean we all want things to be our way. But to me, there are also general courtesy things such as, if you spill your make up all over the sink, CLEAN IT UP. Along with the hair and glob of toothpaste in there... like do you really want to see that? How hard can it be to fill up a water pitcher after you poor some water out? Do you really need to leave it empty? Does it take THAT long for you to turn the sink on? Maybe not, but it would take a long time to clean the piles of dishes you leave in the sink waiting for someone else to clean them. And unfortunately, when it gets gross enough I'll just clean it. Or like if you offer to do some of my laundry with yours, and then neglect to finish doing it. So while I'm sick and feel like shit with a super shitty sickness, you're going to have me go down three flights of stairs to make sure my clothes dont get stolen? I really should stop being so nice. Reeaaally need to work on that. And then texting me and not even asking me to but just saying you left it all down there like you assume I'll just get it for you!? Come on.

My tiredness from being up late last night certainly can't help, but I'm not all to excited to have my roomie come stumbling in drunk and not be able to make it up to her bed. But that's not my problem. Not my problem. Right. I love being able to read this whole blog of me that pretty much no one reads, that I know of. And one day I think it would be interesting to show people about it but they would probably get angry at some parts, the truth does hurt. That's a good lesson to learn. My missing Patrick made me really think, "Can I do this? Can I stay with him and have my own social life here? Is he going to understand what's happening in my life? or is he just going to flip out if I tell him I had a drink?" My honest answers are all over the place, part of me knows I can do this, part of me thinks I can't. I know I'll be able to have my own social life, I'll just have to learn how to be friends with boys instead of a tease. But in all honesty, I miss not only him but the physical aspects of being with him. Not like sex but just little things, like hugs, and holding hands. And being able to be so close next to him and for it to not be awkward. I miss that. All of that. And I really miss my best friend. Who I could make funny faces at and stick my tongue out at which would lead to a kiss. Thank you mono for making my life so miserable at one of the hardest times! Its not "so miserable". So I shouldn't say that. Its hard that's all. And I like things to be easy. I like things to go my way and for people to be considerate and caring. Sometimes I wonder if people like my roommate have ever gotten the respect that I get in my community. Because the way I've been raised, some behaviors are just so obnoxious and not welcoming. I guess my parents did a good job. I know they did. So thank you. And thank you for this opportunity. But don't hate me when I say, I hate this. Right now. Allllll of this. Its well past my bedtime and I need to go to the bathroom. Sweet dreams babe.