Fierce

I'm competitive. I know that. And I don't lose well either, especially when it comes to boys. And honestly, I'm finding it hard to see how Cole wants Katie over me. Yes I'm that competitive!. GET OVER IT. I won't.

But between that happening and then me "loosing" to all those other girls with the guys that like to fuck me over its like wow you've GOT to be kidding me. The only guys who are nice are the unattractive ones and even Ricky I managed to fuck up.

Girls aren't much better either. You'd think that my competitiveness would be in front of a lack of self esteem/ self confidence. But its more like I get over confident and then this is a reminder that I need to chill the fuck out. But its not that easy. Also why does Gen think its okay to say everything's fine when she blatantly won't even look at me or ANYTHING. COOL. I thought we were past the whole saying "it's fine" even though its not phase. Please, leave that shit in high school.

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST SAY SHIT STRAIGHT UP. ITS NOT THAT HARD. don't tell me you're fucking "hanging out" when its a date. I fucking slept with him last week. LESS THAN A WEEK AGO. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THATS OKAY!? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT. UGH.

Black and White

I know everything isn't black and white. Its not just right or wrong either. And I know that. But I haven't felt like I hit rock bottom ever and I think I'm pretty close to getting there. The plus side of that? You can only go up from there. But its scary when you're literally trying to run away from your problems as fast as you can with tears flowing down your face and trying to breathe between the tears and the fact that you have asthma and literally can't breath. And then when the one guy you never thought you would see in a million years calls you off the street and sees you crying and gives you a hug and tries his best to cheer you up. I forgot why I was into Davison in the first place but he was exactly the person I needed to see

Because even Ricky, who I tried to at least start to talk to again, wouldn't have come and given me a hug tonight. even though I spent a good hour down on the waterfront crying until I wanted to puke. Which sucks. And the only thing I wanted from him was a hug. And then the only other person who I would want one from is a guy who has become one of my absolute best friends who I would never in a million years want to hook up with. But I knew if I had gone to him as I was thats what it would've lead to. And part of me still wants to. But part of me doesn't, because once you go there, its hard to go back and pretend it never happened.

Its also pathetic that Connor thought it was totally okay to start talking to me as if we're just regular friends.

Which we're not.