When You Were Little

Remember when you were little and your parents used to talk to someone else about you while you were standing right next to them? Well in my life, that still happens. My mom and sister are attempting to help me do the whole college search, meanwhile I have zero motivation and therefore refuse to do anything. So as I swam around my pool about 8 feet away from the two of them, I hear the lowering of the volume of their voice and can tell they're talking about me. And then theres the "Just walked into a room and everyone goes silent" thing that also occured.

In addition to that, a major player things I'm now going to go for him and doesn't dare leave me alone. AND a possible broken toe turned into more of a broken foot kind of thing. Good day overall though. Tomorrow will be an interesting one with a 12 hour day of camp and a ride home with the one I've been after all summer :) Peace outt

Drop Everything

Crying always makes everything better in the end. But right now I'm finding it hard to get the release point I need too. Everything that's happening is exactly at once and I don't know what to pay attention to.

For example, I'm already awful enough at being mad at people but being mad at two people at once... that's a whole different story. I can't be upset about my whole boy situation and deal with my best friend leaving to go back to rehab school after lying to me the same way the guy did. The guy who she hated that is... please tell me how that makes sense. It doesn't. That's what it comes down to. She knows she messed it up big time but I can't tell how I feel about it. When he did it to me I was really hurt but with her its like I expected her to let me down at one point or another. I don't really understand what I'm feeling right now. Hence why I'm babbling on here. I've decided I don't care too much if someone reads this or not. Its like an online journal and simple enough I feel much better. Maybe instead of crying this will be my new release of tensions and emotions.

Sleeping after crying is one of the best sleeps someone can get. Your body is so exhausted from everything coming out at once. I kind of regret texting him. It was a lapse of judgement on my part but I do really need to talk to him. I can't decide what to do because either way I feel like I just put myself in a hole that I can't get out of for a while. I'm texting him now and he knows I'm not my usual self but if he asks and/or calls me 1. I won't be able to talk and 2. I don't know what to tell him is wrong. I've lost that drive I had to just let him go because my best friend let me down big time and she's the one I always went to with all my problems. So as it is, I am stuck in a hole and don't know how to get out. The plan is to try to let everything go and see what happens... he got off probation and says he "hopes to visits" so we'll see how that all plays out. And for my friend... well that's another story and time will have to fix that one.

take 2

I was just kidding about that being my only post right after I restarted.I've been talking to the guy who I dragged around all year long. Now keep in mind I really did have feelings for him and they were strong. Just at the time I used to talk to my other guy all the time and my feelings were stronger for him. So between my best friend telling me she's going to rehab school year round because she lied to me and watching a movie that had the song that goes "may angels lead you in" at the end I lost it. That was the song that was in my guy's friend's memorial movie and this past fall it was the saddest thing I had experienced.
Moving on from that I crashed and now I'm ok but this whole up and down thing is not one of my favorites... is it for anyone though? I doubt it. Watching Sex and the City right now is making me slightly miss the relationship I had with.. I guess we should call him something but I can't think of what at the moment so if you have any ideas let me know. I'm really running on empty now but I'm secretly waiting for him to text or call me... or even show up on line. Even though I know its not going to happen. So for those who always wonder if girls really do wait by the phone, the answer is yes. And THAT is all I have for now.

Re-Start!

So I forgot about this for a while and then I saw the movie Julie&Julia earlier today and I figured I could start it up again. After reading the other posts I decided I didn't want to write the same way but I couldn't bring myself to delete them. So now, almost a year later I'm restarting this whole blogging thing. I love being able to write and having it open for people to read. But sometimes I don't get why people would bother reading it. So if you are reading this I hope you get something from it.

After almost a full year and a half of "being with" my guy, something snapped in me when I didn't hear anything from him on my birthday or any days following it. I can't say I regret it because I don't think I do. I loved, and still partially do, still love him but reality set in on my fantasy world I had been living in for so long. I remember being in a similar position back in January after he lied to me and told me he quit smoking but I soon found out that was a lie. Yet when I confronted him he simply said its his way of dealing with the "shit in his life". Meanwhile half the shit in is life is because of the fact that he smokes and drinks. But back to being in the same position. This time, I'm ready for it to be done. Back in January I guess I was more insecure than I realized and wasn't strong enough to say what I had wanted to at the time.
However, after working through six going on seven weeks at my hell resembling yet oh so lovable job, I found that I'm stronger than I thought. I hate the feeling I have inside of me of being alone and not having that one person that I can always go to but I'm looking at it as a time to make me more comfortable with myself so the next relationship I get into I don't hesitate to get what I want, and maybe even see them once every 2 years. That would be a miracle. So for now, that's about all I have to say. I'm going to go finish typing the letter that I started to him because I don't have the guts to say it on the phone. Maybe the letter will help me get the courage to, and I'll tell him instead of sending the letter... which I still don't know if I want to do. I'll try to pick up more on this whole network of blogs but bear with me... half the time I'm asleep by 9:30.