It's always said to trust your instincts. They're the guiding force to your survival; but what about in terms of love? Which instinct is correct? What are we supposed to trust.
I already know I'm not only emotionally unstable 90% of the time but recently I've become more prone to physiological responses along with my emotions. The most recent: throw up. Never, I repeat NEVER, have I actually willingly wanted to throw up. Until about 35 minutes ago. The gut wrenching reaction I had made throwing up feel like the only thing that would make me feel better. The only. If I stop writing this, I would go back straight to that feeling.
And on top of that confusion, I have Zach nonstop texting me. Who I'm not sure if he's stalking me, or what. But I'm really trying to refrain from responding to him, but now that I'm upset, I naturally want to. And then throw up. On him.
I don't usually feel like this. I also don't usually open myself up so much to someone and of course as a "reward" for doing so, I get the same fucking result I have any other time I've let someone in. They go back to someone else. Go back to- as in they already had a thing with that person, and then after me is just like "oh that girl that I just shit talked to you for the last ____ months, yeah I decided I want to date her. That's EXACTLY what I feel is happening... well except for the fact that his relationship with her is strange. He loves her, and I mean I know she loves him, but its like how I was with Ricky... that "let me drag you around for years" deal.
And then regardless of all of this. How the hell do you decide to stop looking? At what point do the things you care about no longer matter and you just are happy to be with someone. I'm picky. I'm stubborn, and I was raised like a princess. I want that for my kids. But I can't have kids with someone who's feelings are so strong about someone who he's never even been with; who's a friend who doesn't seem to give anything back to him. Why can't he let that go? He says I'm "pretty damn awesome" yet then he "would give anything just to touch her face".
I feel like I can't catch a break. That at some point, every man I meet will have this sort of situation and I will be the loser. I told him. That's what bothers me the most. And I know I told him in a casual conversation but he knows I see everything he posts on social media. And that I'm not dumb enough not to translate shit. And of course the one person I would want to go to is the one person I feel like I can't go to which should be a sign in it of itself but I don't even know if she matters anymore.... to me, I know she doesn't all that much but I don't know if she does to him. And though she would never say it. It would still be the admittance of "I told you so".
