almost 9

A week ago yesterday we finally figured it all out. I was so happy for the first time in a while. Which stayed with me until about...Saturday I guess. And today too. I guess my expectations are way high but they're not ridiculous. At least most people don't think so, and I tend to talk about everything to my friends so they would know. I don't know what to do still. You say you haven't been with them, the guy I remember was quite a quick thinker and could lie like no other. And I mean, its you. Really? I don't get how you could do that. If you actually are telling the truth, then I honestly can't wait to see you. But you know that I'm not easy going when it comes to some things. Somehow you've literally charmed me into this, I have NO clue how you did it but you have, and I'm under your charm and do everything you say. Just hearing your voice puts the biggest smile on my face and I loved hearing how you were worried about what was up with me, I just hope you actually meant it. Which is another thing I don't get. If you really don't feel that, then why do you bother. I haven't seen you for almost 9 months. Why would you ever think of keeping this up if you didn't? come up with a reason to that and get back to me.

I'm so sick of feeling like I'm the one holding you back and being that person who never knows when to stop. I used to be soo happy whenever I saw your name anywhere, or if anyone had the same name as you and I heard it in the middle of the day. And you know what? I cried the second he left my house because all I could think of was you. And when I asked you if I could do that, all I wanted to hear from you was no. But you said yes, and thats exactly what I didn't want to hear, cause I knew then that it meant you had been doing it all along. I guess I couldn't expect you to wait all this time, just hoping. Hoping that maybe you would, or just do the bare minimum. I was in a different country and I still didn't do anything, because I love you. I didn't just say it at the time and I know you didn't either. But now I feel like I'm the only one who means it. And you're just saying it out of habit or in response to when I say it. I used to get voice mails from you, when I didn't answer my phone when you called every day at 9 o'clock exactly. Or when you called just when you knew I wouldn't answer my phone just to say goodnight or good morning or I love you. They're all still on my phone. Along with like half the texts you've sent me which I've been thinking about deleting. I hate that this is how it's all turned out. We could've been SOO good. And you're still the one I want to wait for. But I know I'm not yours. But even if I am, clearly you're only focused on right now and what you want right now. And what you can get. And you can get whatever you want. I know. And the girls you hang out with, are probably the ones willing to do anything for you cause you're everything. But you ARE everything I want. I mean it. My dream guy was always having green or blue eyes with brown hair. Taller than me, gets along with his family, and done more than me in everything. Smart but not enough to make me feel stupid, and willing to work for things. I thought you were my dream guy, and I guess it just happened to be a coincidence that I met you and that all happened. This might be the hardest thing I've ever done and when I say I don't want to do it I mean I REALLY don't want to. But I don't think i have a choice right now. You've made me crash like never before and I'm not going to stay this low for this long. I don't deserve that. And if you're not going to be honest with me, you don't deserve me either. So I'll let you know. How I feel in a little. But unless you clean it all up, it's going in the trash and at this point, I'm doing nothing to stop it.