Endless Hope

I just want him to talk to me and he won't. And I know that speaks to his feelings as an action alone but I really can't handle this. I have still been hoping that a package is going to show up on my doorstep or that he will himself... but it's a good thing I'm not holding my breath.

And I wanted him to be happy for me... happy with me because I got a job... but I guess we're done... because he can't be bothered to talk to me at all even though we're in the same state. :(

Resiliency

Kids are magical because they are resilient. They can bounce back from so many varieties of situations and continue on their lives with out recalling the unhappiness on a regular basis. Their memories aren't capable of reflecting on the pain at one time after a while. As adults, we make ourselves crack. We hold on to those little things. We struggle to let  go of those painful things to move on to the next thing, holding back until we know it will not hurt. I thought I had my good judgement, I thought I had trusted the right person and could tell that he felt the same. Until he didn't. And then I didn't just crack, I blew up like a helium balloon. It took a month and an adult juice box for me to bounce back. 

I still don't have all the answers I want. I don't know how he "failed" me. I don't know if that means he never had any intentions of becoming close to me, regardless of what he said all the time. Or if he meant what he said before and then he didn't mean to make me feel so friendzoned. I don't know and I'm not sure I'll ever know.

I do know that I was hoping it was the second. I was hoping that he was going to surprise me with a big gesture once he got up here... and he is now. Yet he hasn't said a word. 

So here's to resiliency. The reason I work with kids. The reason I know I will find someone to love eventually and if not, I'll buy lots of dogs.

Let it go

If only I could follow my own advice and that of the song I've been singing for the last 35 hours... let it go. I am at the point of confusion where I feel sick to my stomach. I dont know what to make of anything and I don't know what my next step should be. I can't tell if I should bother trying to get an answer out of him. I don't want all of this to follow into next week though, the last week of camp is always hard enough as it is. but this is also really hard. I REALLY thought he was one that I didn't need to worry about not letting my guard down with. I really really really thought he was a good one but this is almost exactly how everything has ended with the past few guys!! I don't get it. I really don't think that I'm that scary to say something to... if any guy knows me enough that I drop my wall... then they should know that even though I'm emotional, I can handle pretty much everything. With lots of tears, but everything nonetheless. And clearly my everything is much different than his everything so I don't want that to be completely mistaken but I am split between giving up or keep on caring. It's ridiculously hard for me because he does... or did make me so happy that I was another person, in such a good way.. but this is going back to how I felt with Zach and I was afraid that with all of this happening I would want to go back and talk to him but I think I'm finally past that. And maybe I'll move away from those kinds of people. 

I catch myself reasoning with why its okay to just truly let it go and not care about any reasons or excuses, whatever they may be. But I also know that I'm me and that will only last for so long. It's hard not understanding why someone did something. Thats why I work with kids, because almost everything is explicable. But he's someone who needed more as a kid and I wish I could give that to him as an adult because he can be SO fucking awesome and amazing... and so fucking horrible I just want to cry. Yet at the same time, I don't want to cry because I don't want to give in to that level. I don't want to constantly be worried about having my feelings hurt... but even though he says he sucks with emotions he sure is real about them.... but not with me. 

Part of me keeps thinking he isn't saying anything because he's overwhelmed. Another part of me is thinking he has some surprise planned or something.. but the last part of me just has that same feeling that I've gotten with other guys and know all too well...

Maybe I will just have to let it go.. can't hold on anymore.