Currently, I'm sick. Again. Big surprise there... actually, I'm afraid I'm relapsing already. Which would just break my heart and spirit. The other day when I told Patrick I felt like I was going to throw up he got mad at me. So in return I got mad at him. He really doesn't realize how hard living on your own is and not only that, but living with someone you're uncomfortable with. To the point where you don't feel safe in your room. Because you have to share it with that other person. Lets see, 1) I'm getting sick again 2) Patrick and I had a "fight" 3.) my friend told me she's bullemic 4) alllll I want to do is go home. and 5 (for now) .) fuck reslife.
Right now I mean the last one the most. Fuck Reslife. FUCK YOU. you have caused me nothing but trouble even before I got to school. Maybe that was a sign. A sign of me not supposed to come here? I'm not sure about that. I've found some really great people. Even though its taken a while. I mean I've also found some really not so great people, my roommate being one of those individuals. Which is frustrating. I mean yeah there were those people in High School and blah blah all the cliques. I find myself missing it more than anything. I miss band and being forced to play my instrument. I miss walking around and just knowing everyone and having the boys all stare at me for my boobs. Yeah I miss that. Everyone says college is the best 4 years of your life. well I can tell you it's not going to be 4 for me. This year, not even just the school year, has been what I've called a shit show. Started out with a concussion, family drama, getting sick, and leaving. Bad timing right? Seriously though. And now I'm lying in my bed dreading when my roommate is coming back into the room just to find me awake after I constantly pretend to be asleep to avoid her, sick and getting sicker, contemplating if I should even bother waking up tomorrow at 8 30 to drag myself to class where I'm going to sit with a dazed look on my face. Hopefully, I will. I love my spanish class. I really do. But the way I've been feeling lately is not so hot.
If any one does read this, please do the following : call your mom and say thank you. Say thank you for raising you and for working her ass off to get you where you are for her undying love for you. Say thank you for feeding you and getting you haircuts when you need them, for buying you that one thing you really wanted but really didn't need. Because once you turn 18 and move out, its all gone. And I know the independence is what most people strive for at my age but honestly, I'd rather be stuck at home on a friday night then go get drunk off my ass. Its just not my thing. If it were up to me, I'd be a mom by now. With an amazing baby and the most amazing husband I could ask for. Everyone says they know when they find "the one", and I don't know if I can say that right now, but I know that what I can say, is that I can't imagine not having Patrick around. We just add to each other and really bring out the best. Yet for some reason I still get anxious about the thought of going out on a date with him and worrying over who's paying. I really wish I could just pay and be done with it but that would be understood. I just think its so AWKWARD. But really, I do. But it doesn't stop me from loving him at all. I love the fact that he can sit on a couch with me or we can just talk about babies and dogs and read about our astrological signs on line.
I've covered [drink] and love, but not eat. probably because I'm currently hungry as it's one thirty in the morning and I could really go for some chicken wings. or a fabulous breakfast sandwhich. Eating "right" is seriously hard though. For example, you think hot chocolate is just a fabulous warm drink made to make you smile from the inside out? wrong. Its going to make you fat from the inside out, which in turn will make you do the opposite of smiling. And apparently it's really the freshman 7 instead of 15. But that doesn't sound any good. I'm not saying cut out hot chocolate all the time. Just not every morning.
Slow down. Life goes by faster than you know it and you don't want to live with any regrets. "Never regret something that once made you smile"- it's true when you think about it. You were happy for a reason. But really, what I want to say is, learn to be alone. Learn to be you and you alone. be comfortable walking into a room where you know nobody, and striking up a conversation. be comfortable eating by yourself in a crowded restaurant. Indulge. treat yourself well. and don't forget to smell the roses.
