All of the Puzzles Got Mixed Together- November

I'm at a complete lack of where to start. I honestly would rather be writing this but I just don't have anywhere to do that right now. I'm hungry, absolutely exhausted, and have so much work and need to go to the gym. But I don't want to do anything other than go to bed. I know part of that is because I am actually tired, I didn't sleep a whole lot last night and didn't nap today. But regardless of that, I also know that theres something else wrong. I can feel it. I think its my birth control and that I need to change it because I feel out of control. I feel like I can't be fully happy, which is how I started feeling before my period; so back to the doctor I go. We'll have to see if the women's health center is any more helpful than this last lady. 

So besides my self-diagnosis of being depressed, theres a lot of other stuff going on in my head. And its going to be hard to get out because I also really have to go to the bathroom right now. 

We can start with Zach. Because obviously he's the most troubling. I've known he was trouble for the beginning but I wasn't too worried. Now I'm past worried and kind of wish I hadn't talked to him after Rob. But he was the one I wanted to talk to after I slept with that other guy so I'm not sure what that means. And, I love what we have when he's here. but the bottom line is, he's not here. And when he's not here, I think a LOT. Granted I have gotten better at sorting out what are actually my thoughts and what are my brain making me think stupid things are. but im having a hard time ignoring all the "excessive" thoughts.

What Hurts the Most

was how I actually valued his friendship and the sex we had. But he never even believed it. For once in my life, one guy seems to have thought I was a heartless bitch, which I am just so far from. And I hate that he doesn't get to see that, get to know that part of me because then at least I could consider him my friend. I haven't ever hurt in this way. I feel like an animal who's been used for body parts. 

I don't understand. I don't understand why he didn't believe that I am a caring person who is loving to the bone and hates hurting peoples feelings. I don't understand how he can say he was so good at reading people but yet when I try to have a conversation that would seemingly benefit our relationship he accuses me of being girlfriend-y when he was the one that kissed me on the forehead and constantly was saying "I miss you, and not just for the sex."  I hate it. I hate that he wouldn't even drive in the car 30 minutes one way and 30 minutes another to the same mountain, and talk to me like a human. I just feel like a piece of meat and that feeling wont go away. It's hard to hold it together when the one time I try to be nice he has to point out that the girl who he "digs" is coming up to visit him. It hurts. A lot. And I'm sad. And for once I don't know what to do to remedy this, because having sex with someone else didn't make it better one bit. It didn't make it easier to forget or move past. It just added another number. Don't get me wrong, it was fun and I enjoyed the experience but I just want to have someone who knows my body's wants and is fun and pushes me out of my comfort zone. It all meant something to me, but he doesn't seem to care or believe me no matter what I say. And that hurts.

Lots of Strings Attached

I googled how to have a casual relationship... and I got exactly what I was expecting with a few things I wouldn't have thought of. And I knew from there that I was already doing it wrong. Reaaallly wrong. But I wanted to go with it anyway, so I did. And we already had that one meltdown over new years for that shit but now I'm having another. Because somehow... even though I spent a bunch of hours at his place and slept there and woke up and laid in bed and talked and everything he still makes a point to tell me he went on a date and it went well. As a friend, I want to be happy for him, and I actually am. I get that he's in a shitty situation and isn't necessarily happy where he is and what not. I juuust dont understand our relationship though.. past friends. I get fuck buddies but like the fact that I'm the only person he has to hang out with adds that twisted element into it that just fucks it all up. And I don't like it. I can do casual if  thats it but he doesn't go for just that. He calls me pet names and kisses me while I'm sleeping, during my post sex nap.YOU DON'T DO THAT TO FUCK BUDDIES. We haaad sex. It's not like he was going for that. So I think he was going for a relationship but like what the hell do I know. He can just go on his merry way dating every fucking girl.

And then theres my furry four legged boyfriend who I know will never let me down. Dogs are woman's best friend too