It's all fun and games...

until someone ruins it with feelings. I know sometimes I block mine unreasonably but they always end up coming out and I don't even think I have feelings when it comes to this other than it all just keeps relating back to how I judge myself about having herpes. Which granted, wouldn't be the reason this would end with corey it would be because I'm a very involved person who talks a lot and feels a lot and yes when I have a new friend I like to get to know them. And yes when I'm drunk I text people and send stupid drunkface pictures. But from the random shit that he had been telling me and how he never let a conversation die before... it's annoying for me to be on the end of waiting for a response now. I mean he had no friends before he met me and the reality is I'm not even going to see him when I'm working. And by the time I do over vacation week... he'll have more friends than me. But its whatever. I just hate that I feel like a stepping stone for so many people all the time. Like yes I like to be a friend and blah blah blah but I want a friend in return and I hate when people feel they can't tell me shit.
Or when people start saying shit because they feel insecure. ugh. I really liked how corey and I interacted because it was so casual and like fun. and somewhere along the line  I let my feelings come into play and fucked that shit up slightly. Who knows. The sex is good and like really good sooo I'm hopeful.... but my curse of 3 is at its breaking point. So who knows.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've written in this. But I'm stuck. I can't tell my feelings about Zach. I can't tell if I actually really do care about him and just go into self-protection mode and thats why all of these problems come up or if they're legitimate problems. I can't tell if I really want him next to me all the time, but I think I do. Which just makes him not responding worse. So Zach, if you happen to be reading this, let me know. Because my level of anxiety on talking to you is so high I feel like I just woke up. But at the same time I feel like crap and I really just want to sleep but I cant and I'm just so burned out I don't want to go to school and UGH. I wish Rob was more like Zach because Rob is still one of my favorite people. 

Yours Truly

To the girl who made it her unknown goal to ruin so much of me:

I hope you know it. But you don't. I hope you get to a point where you have no where to go, no one to go to, and you feel how much it sucks when someone, even yourself, destroys your life. You pushed me closer to the edge than I ever thought I would ever, in my LIFE, get to. And I don't mean the thrill seeking edge, but maybe thats what it was for you. Maybe you really do get joy in seeing other people suffer, and thrive off of their dislike of you. It fuels your hate fire, right?

There's just no way you can be so in denial and oblivious to what happened in the fall, to what you did to me, to what you did to everyone, and what you did to yourself. Yeah part of me feels bad because you're clearly seriously fucked up. But then part of me is just like eh whatever she did it to her self. Even a normal drunk person would realize when theres plastic wrap on a toilet before she takes a shit in a house full of people's bathroom. But nottt you. Nope, not you. Because you're too good for that. You're too above everyone else, making exceptions for yourself here and there; left, right, and center. You should really work on that. Because I hope to fucking god that you honestly realize what the hell you did to not only me, but probably most of your other friends.... or lack there of. 

What it comes down to is you're an obnoxious fucking bitch. And I hate myself for not seeing that sooner. You're demeaning and demoralizing and have a horrible sense of self worth. Which yes, messes up your life. So blame your parents. but dont take it out on people you're close with. I'm not going to fucking put up with you as a counselor if you can't even show up to 4 days the year before. like WHAT THE FUCK. and yeah my statement is completely contradictory, you could've "gotten better" but you did that before and look how it turned out. OH you lied to EVERYONE. dick sucking bitch. ITS NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF WHEN YOU DISLOCATE YOUR JAW GIVING HEAD. Its funny because its so goddamn embarrassing.  So thank you; for ruining my friendships with so many people, for making me feel like i wanted to go drown myself in the lake at one point in time, for the time you yelled at me because I was too drunk and using a baby voice. 

Be a nice person. It's not that hard.
Get over yourself.

You are the one person I have a physically violent response to being around and I still, to this day, would love to just slug you straight in the jaw and then snap your back in half. NO PROBLEM. seeing as you clearly have an eating disorder and dont eat. I still can't figure out why I dislike you so much.

It could be because you shared my deepest darkest secret and betrayed all of my trust in a lot of people. But at the same time, you didn't because I know I trust people more than I should, you were just a reminder. And part of me does actually want to ask you if you were the one who told, to not only see if you admit to it but to also see if you were sober enough to remember. Because I have a pretty damn hard time believing that you just hated me that much to bring up that kind of secret in a normal state of mind, or just regularly drunk.

So yeah, I still have problems believing it was actually you who told. Yet I am going to blame you for it anyways because I can't think of a SINGLE other person who would've done that to me. It's not something that just comes up in an every day conversation, or even a heart to heart. you leave names out. you don't tell things. You're lucky I am one of the most rubber band like people ever, resilient's the word. Because I do trust, my heart is wide open to anyone who needs it, anyone who wants it. All I ask is that whoever does need it or wants it doesn't ruin it. But you did. And that makes me sad, to see someone I was so close with throw so much away and "not care". You do care. You just tell yourself you don't so you're not constantly dissatisfied with your life.

yeah i'm gonna say that.

And for now, thats all.

Hate,
M

Time Heals All Wounds....?

In general, I love this saying. Because I do think that with time, good things can come from bad things. But I'm struggling right now. I ended up texting Cole and telling him everything, which he denied and was a TOTAL ass about. But I felt so much better after getting that over with.... until last night... and I had a dream we were friends again. Better than that, we were fuck buddies again. I don't know if its a mental block or a shyness I've developed or just that I had so much other shit going on that I just dont have the confidence I used to have with boys. But also I don't go anywhere to meet them. Like where would I go?  Idk.

But my dream with Cole was so happy. We were just walking and he jokingly came up to me and talked about it and then was like we should have some fun. He said I was a lot of fun. I just hate how all of that happened. I wish I had said something when it first happened but at that time he had treated me like SHIT and then he got back together with his girlfriend and the timing was just terrible. 

I loved what we had. I loved how casual it was but how sweet he was. It was just perfect, it was what I wanted and still want. And I miss that. I'm sad this is one mistake me being cute and nice and baking cookies and writing notes can't solve. In fact, I think this is the only problem I've ever had that that has happened with.  I feel like that's partially why I'm struggling so much with this. And I understand why Cole doesn't really want to deal with me. But this kind of shit blows over. Like when Kate and I were talking about me being friends with Ethan again. And at this point, I totally would've striken? up a conversation with him and just been like look it's in the past. I didn't want to sleep with you in the first place, you should've realized that. Buuuut then I remembered how much of a temperamental asshole he was to me last fall and I was like no, its not even worth trying! So why bother. 

I know it's stupid and childish and immature, whatever you want to call it. But I just wish people could move on from things like this. I understand why people seclude themselves and why they become so depressed and why they have suicidal thoughts. I get it now. But I have a hell of a lot of people behind me who I could never leave or hurt in any way like that. Those other people, like Cole, Ethan, Jake... They aren't worth my own life, my own pain. And if Kate hadn't said "are you okay? this is becoming a pattern." to me about my drinking then, and if I hadn't been able to go over to caroline's bawling and shaking and have katie driven me... I would be at that point. I would be hating everything including myself. I would absolutely be blaming myself for getting that drunk and not telling him sooner and everything. I want to go to therapy for them to tell me that me not telling him was okay. 
because he got back together with his girlfriend.
but thats not what they do, thats not what they would say to me. So I don't really know where to go, what I want to get out of all of this.


I know I learned more than one ever thought. And Ricky was right, I'm definitely stronger. But sometimes being stronger is tiring and you just want a break. But I don't have time for that.

And then there's Rob. Who I definitely have a crush on, well... text crush. We're working on the actual thing. But he scares the shit out of me and I know he's unstable but he could hold me together. But I hate how involved with alcohol he is and how casually he talks about drugs and so many other things. And I want to change that. I want to be the reason he realizes its bad for himself and stops. But thats just like how I wanted to change Patrick. Kind of. Well, I guess not. But it's not good to start a relationship with someone and already want to change things. 

It's something that no matter who I talk to, well, maybe Em, I'll always feel alone and I'm somewhat okay with it. But it sucks.