HOME

"Home is wherever I'm with you" 

"Home is where the heart is"

There are so many quotes surrounding the word home. And when I was catching up with one of my friends from home who had just been in France for the semester, she was saying how she was struggling to define what was her home. And I guess that kind of explains why my oldest sister is home so much. But still, she drives me crazy.

Anyways, home is a funny thing. I don't know where I consider home, I guess here. But my heart is here and at school so I could never tell you which I love more. But when I'm at school, its "our" place. As in any guy who I have a relationship with, thats where the relationship is. Except Ricky.... but that is a different story and I can't tell if I really love him and I really think I do but I cannot for the LIFE of me tell how he feels now and that kills me.

The Unknown

I'm really not sure what it is anymore. I don't know if its still me putting myself back together or if it's something else. But I can honestly say I truly hate how every guy who's my dream guy goes for a girl who's skinnier than me. It's the first thing I notice right off the bat. And I hate that. As much as I love my body,  I know it could be better. But I also I just don't get it. Why does Connor actually like Jackie? How could he say ALL that shit to me and then just drop me for a girl he described as crazy... and then drop that one for another. In the end, I just want to be his friend so I can be like what the FUCK were you thinking. But he hurt me too much for me to ever EVER trust him again. And I think I hate that. 


It doesn't help that Ricky barely trusts me. He barely talks to me, barely texts me. I guess I shouldn't say he barely talks to me. We sat at Starbucks today for a solid hour talking and I was so happy. But he gave me a quick hug when I wanted a long one. And his text had far more punctuation than they used to, but he responded. IDK. I know he's protecting himself this time but I need him to embrace me one last time, me and all my ridiculousness. I sit there looking at him and he is NOTHING of what I wanted in a guy. Honestly, nothing. But I wish I could just sit there and talk to him forever. I don't think I would get sick of it. 


I just hate how the one person I can't have, and at this point don't want because he was such an asshole, is the one that encompassed everything I ever dreamed of. I don't get it. It rattles my brain and pushes me to so many different levels of dislike and distrust and everything and I don't know what to make of it. but goddamnit jackie dall, I hope he never does to you what he did to me. I also hope that you two dont make it so he can be on his own. alone. like he should be. because no one should ever treat a person like that. tell them the goddamn truth.


but then I guess you could say I failed there too. Because I never told Cole that he gave me herpes. Which I really probably should have and didn't. Not to say that I regret it but its just one of those things, like if he gave that to another girl and I found out I would feel so horrible I can't even explain it. The pain that I went through with that not only physically but mentally and emotionally is so great I have no words to describe it. And I would hate for anyone to ever have that experience.


I wish I had never come up with a guy who was "my type". I wish all girls didn't. It would make dating and heartbreak and everything so much easier because you wouldn't be driven to repeatedly date the same guy. I wish I could do a lot for girls. I do a lot for myself and theres always more to be done. But I wish I could help all of those girls who are growing up with these stick figure girls on the tvs and all the adds with sex and drugs in them it kills me. I want it to be better. maybe i'll look at dove programs or something. that would actually be amazing. but also... girls aren't the only ones that need help.


All in all, theres SO much going on in my "giant" brain. So many thoughts going in circle after circle and this helps, but only so much. Time is really the determining factor in all of this, it's helped me before and I'm sure it will help me again so I guess I just have to wait? I dont know...

8 letters. one sentence.

I'm not going to say this is the final deal but  I know its the real deal. I did EVERYTHING possible to avoid it but clearly something attracted me to you the first time we met and for a good reason. But I literally spent a good full year trying to run away from that and it makes me laugh that you're the one I care so much about. I didn't think you would be the one, or that it would actually be kind of like twenty seven dresses, but it is. I love being with you but you're so pessimistic and grumpy about things but for some weird reason I couldn't stand not being your friend. I hate how I haven't seen you in a few weeks but I know its not the end of the world. I know you will always love me and just so you know; I love you.

the one deadly sin

Honestly, I haven't even really thought about the 6 other sins. But I can say that jealousy is a vicious one. I was so jealous of Gen's friendships and her relationships but I realized after this weekend, there's no need to be. Yeah I made a lot of friends by making out with them but that's just me. And it felt so good to be me after not being me for 2 months. I'm back to normal, almost. It's funny how that one thing can push you so far away from yourself and cause such chaos in your life without you knowing. And I'm finally starting to get over Connor fully too, and get over what he did to me.

It feels good. But it's scary how jealous can drive someone to hate someone else they don't even know, simply because they have what you want. It's also scary how easy it is to lose someone in your life and they can just coexist with you. Not necessarily peacefully... but enough.

And its funny which guys are the nice guys. The ones who get you countless cups of water when your night is coming to an end to make sure you're not hungover. I just wish I knew how to not break those guys' hearts. Because those are the good ones you'll always want to be your friend.

All in all, it feels great to be on my path again. It's terrifying how far off I was. I just need to remember that when I'm home so I don't fall into that trap again. I love my life, my life is worth loving. And I need to never forget that.