The Unknown

I'm really not sure what it is anymore. I don't know if its still me putting myself back together or if it's something else. But I can honestly say I truly hate how every guy who's my dream guy goes for a girl who's skinnier than me. It's the first thing I notice right off the bat. And I hate that. As much as I love my body,  I know it could be better. But I also I just don't get it. Why does Connor actually like Jackie? How could he say ALL that shit to me and then just drop me for a girl he described as crazy... and then drop that one for another. In the end, I just want to be his friend so I can be like what the FUCK were you thinking. But he hurt me too much for me to ever EVER trust him again. And I think I hate that. 


It doesn't help that Ricky barely trusts me. He barely talks to me, barely texts me. I guess I shouldn't say he barely talks to me. We sat at Starbucks today for a solid hour talking and I was so happy. But he gave me a quick hug when I wanted a long one. And his text had far more punctuation than they used to, but he responded. IDK. I know he's protecting himself this time but I need him to embrace me one last time, me and all my ridiculousness. I sit there looking at him and he is NOTHING of what I wanted in a guy. Honestly, nothing. But I wish I could just sit there and talk to him forever. I don't think I would get sick of it. 


I just hate how the one person I can't have, and at this point don't want because he was such an asshole, is the one that encompassed everything I ever dreamed of. I don't get it. It rattles my brain and pushes me to so many different levels of dislike and distrust and everything and I don't know what to make of it. but goddamnit jackie dall, I hope he never does to you what he did to me. I also hope that you two dont make it so he can be on his own. alone. like he should be. because no one should ever treat a person like that. tell them the goddamn truth.


but then I guess you could say I failed there too. Because I never told Cole that he gave me herpes. Which I really probably should have and didn't. Not to say that I regret it but its just one of those things, like if he gave that to another girl and I found out I would feel so horrible I can't even explain it. The pain that I went through with that not only physically but mentally and emotionally is so great I have no words to describe it. And I would hate for anyone to ever have that experience.


I wish I had never come up with a guy who was "my type". I wish all girls didn't. It would make dating and heartbreak and everything so much easier because you wouldn't be driven to repeatedly date the same guy. I wish I could do a lot for girls. I do a lot for myself and theres always more to be done. But I wish I could help all of those girls who are growing up with these stick figure girls on the tvs and all the adds with sex and drugs in them it kills me. I want it to be better. maybe i'll look at dove programs or something. that would actually be amazing. but also... girls aren't the only ones that need help.


All in all, theres SO much going on in my "giant" brain. So many thoughts going in circle after circle and this helps, but only so much. Time is really the determining factor in all of this, it's helped me before and I'm sure it will help me again so I guess I just have to wait? I dont know...