You are

my person. You, are my person. You are the one I didn't even know I needed. But now I need you more than ever. I need you to help me put me back together. And I know its a lot to ask of you after all that I put you through but I need you. I can't do this myself. And it scares the shit out of me because I've never willingly depended on someone so much. But if it's not going to be you I can honestly say I don't now how far I'll go before I let someone else help. I'm at the bottom more than you could imagine and I don't know how to go up because everything seems to be pushing me down.

It's a challenge. And I hope you accept. Because I never ever would've thought that you would've been this person for me. You are. It's not something anyone else could help me with, I've tried trust me. And I tried to do it without you, but that didn't work either.

I don't know if you realize how messed up I am right now. Or how much you sitting there watching me cry saying we never stopped being friends meant to me. Or hearing that you thought about me a lot. I really thought I was dead to you. After all, I really deserve to be. But for some god forsaken reason you were still willing to watch out for me and be there for me. When I need you most. Which is now.

It might seem like I'm happy but I'm not. After we talked was the first time in three months I've felt anything close to my normal me. And this probably seems overdramatic but it's not. It's just honest. Just like the rest of this. It's not easy for me to admit that I need you. If it were up to me I'd be doing this all on my own and being stubborn to no end and being independent but I've learned I can't. I know you're probably not ready for me full force but I need you to be because theres so much more I couldn't even form the words to say to you at Starbucks. I just didn't know how much you meant to me. Or how messed up my life really is right now. And I just want to know for sure that you'll be in it for the long run. And that you'll help me. Because I really can't go through not having you to talk to again. 

All in all, this might be a little dramatic. But actually no, because I've felt this way now for a while. And it sucks. Its just like Emily said, its hard to wake up the next day knowing that its going to suck more than the next. But I'm optimistic. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And your hug was the best. 

decisions decisions decisions

If I even spelled that word right that is. I hate decisions. Especially recently when I seem to be constantly making the WRONG  decisions. I'm trying. I am. I really really am, but when everything seems to go wrong your optimism is tested in every way possible. And I'm most certainly an optimist. But when I see people like Connor do what they do and say what they say without any bit of regret or remorse or anything, it just makes me wonder how much people actually care. I feel like if everyone was like me, everyone would be happier. Don't people get that? Don't people get that if you're nice to someone they'll be nice back. Or if you smile, you'll make them smile?  Why is everything so messed up? Why can't people see that some things need to be done in order to get places.


But no, I don't want to write my papers to get my grades because there are 29837480274058 other things I'd rather be doing. Like writing this for example. Or going to get my nails done, or talking to Ricky. But its raining and I don't want to talk inside anywhere and I cant come to my house so... idk. I don't know where to go. And I'm at the point where I'm literally making myself sick, to the point of puking (again), because I'm so fucking nervous.


I know it sounds like I'm just complaining. And part of it is, but part of it is me really struggling with these things. Half the time I feel like I should be going to therapy but the other half I know I'm strong enough to figure this out on my own. And I want to to prove it to myself. So I'm going to try. and try again and again and again.

so much can change in less than a second.

there's always that feeling, that split second before you hit the ground when you know you're going to crash. and yet the only thing you can do is try to remember how to fall. to loosen every muscle in your body but protect your head and neck. dont put your arms out or try to stop. you wont.

and when that all happens to someone else, its scary as hell.

Shut UP already

I've been home a total of what... 5 days now? And in those five days, my mother has managed to make me feel like absolute shit. Maybe its because its period week. Maybe its because she's just a bitch. I dunno. Whether I dress in short shorts one day while my sister wears them constantly shouldn't matter. oh waiiiiiit but it does, because i'm so fat. BULLSHIT. first of all, i'm not  fat. second of all, if you're going to give me shit, give it to your other daughter who who is fat and dresses like shit. Sorry I got herpes and didn't want to wear pants where I have to wear underwear... and still don't want to. Really forgive me. Because clearly getting herpes wasn't punishment enough for my actions. Oh and then to get my car vandalized and to not have a summer.. and to have to spend the summer with you where you yell at me for everything and can never be happy? sorry, that just sounds so enjoyable I really should be more enthusiastic.  I REALLY need to be SO happy about living in a place where I have to hide alcohol that I RESPONSIBLY  drink. because its such a crime. you know what I have to say? FUCK YOU. just like i said to Ricky. Who I also have to deal with. so yes. I will be a bitch because you controlling me makes my life absolutely miserable. yeah someone has it worse. but guess what. i'm not going to spend my life comparing my life to others. because that would make me even ore miserable than I am. and yes I am going to get that tattoo.

rock bottom?

i dont want to mope. thats really the last thing i want to do. but right now, when i have my friends telling me that they're having sex with a guy after a romantic dinner and i realize i can't do that.


i dont even know what to say. i want to be back with ricky in the way that i can go to him when i need a giant hug. but i know that i want to also cross that line with him sometimes. something about having herpes really fucks with your head. and i know there are all of those websites of people saying how herpes changed their lives and made them live better. but i was being good. this one time i got too drunk and the guy had a COLD SORE in his mouth and i end up with this shit.

and i've had endless car problems, endless friend problems, and endless boy problems. along with school and family and sisters and coordination issues. it fucking sucks.


i just want to sit with a bottle of alcohol in a corner in front of a tv for hours and hours on end. thats all

Take 2973

Ricky-


I need you to read this whole thing without shutting it all out. I need you to listen. And I need you to respond.

I know you're not necessarily into it, but the song I'm listening to couldn't be more fitting to listen to while writing this. I'm not even going to tell you because it doesn't matter. I just can't even find a place to start. My semester has been worse than you can imagine. And now that it's coming to an end it makes me think about our friendship probably more than I should seeing as I'm not even finishing school on time this semester. I just don't want to lose you. And I don't know if I have.


I know the last time we actually talked was that friday afternoon, and I know how hard that was for me, and I know it wasn't easy for you. You said you could completely cut me out of your life and would be fine with it, but that you didn't want to. And I didn't want you to. And I still don't. But I'm not sure what I want either, which I know was part of why you wanted to stop talking. When I saw you in the library that random wednesday afternoon my stomach literally dropped. I hadn't seen you in so long and I was okay with that until I saw you. I blocked you on facebook chat and unfollowed you on twitter because I couldn't deal with seeing your name everywhere. And I know that sounds extreme but you were my best friend. You were always looking out for not only me, but my friends too. Losing you was and still is really sad. And I've cried a lot for a lot of different reasons. Every time a cop shows up at a party I still think of the sig ep party when the cops came at the very end and Kate and I had been hiding in a closet and I just remember coming out of it and looking at my phone to see you calling me but then looking up and seeing you walking towards me in the basement and giving me the biggest hug and of course I ended up crying but you were the only person I wanted to see right then.

I really don't know what else to say to you. I could actually go on for a lot longer but I don't think I need to. If you want me to explain more I can try. But even writing this much was a challenge. What it comes down to is I just want to know. I want to know if you do just want to cut me out of your life or if you want to do what you said and go back to being friends? And if you do, when? I know you're stressed from finals, and trust me so am I. But I need this, so I'm asking you as someone who used to be my friend who I always tried to talk to when something bothered me to answer this. I miss you.

Love,
Marcy

hurricane status

I don't really have a place to start. 


I guess I could start with Ricky. I don't know if I really miss him or if I just miss someone giving me the attention he gave me. But I don't think thats it. I think I really do love him and that all of my experiences since we stopped being friends just show how I really needed to get it out of me and now, especially after getting herpes.... I realize that more than ever.     I miss him. 


Ricky, if I could say something to you in person I don't even know if I could. I miss your hugs, the way your face lit up when you saw me and the way you stood next to me with your arm around my waist at parties. You always made me feel safe. You made me feel like I meant the world and that nothing would ever hurt me when I was with you. And then I went and fucked all of that up. I'm not saying I want to take it back or say sorry because 1) I dont. I learned more than you think I did from everything and I needed to have my own experiences. You always looked out for me and I know it was because you wanted what was best for me but I am/was still at that age where I needed to have the experiences. and 2) because I know  that it doesn't fix a thing. I hurt you, a lot, and repeatedly. And part of me fully knew that but I guess I just never realized it till I lost you as my friend. I considered you my best friend and to loose my best friend was the scariest thing ever. I cried so hard the day I walked back into the house after our talk on that Friday afternoon and I cried even more, when you texted me after a party which I was more than drunk at, saying we can't be friends because I'm immature. For me to hear that you didn't want to be friends with me through a TEXT message, after I have always made the effort to talk to you in person, absolutely crushed me. Which was why I said "fuck you". I wish you could let your guard down a little just to the point of talking to me right now. I know you've done it before and I just keep fucking things up but I'm trying. Ricky I don't know what else there is to say. I miss you so much and I just want you back as my friend, maybe, MAYBE more than that. But I can't say for sure. Because I still don't know for sure. But I know how I feel now and I know that I can't do this not knowing if we're going to be friends ever again or not. But why should you believe me this time? Why should you even want to be my friend let alone anything more than that... I don't know. But I know I'm working on figuring my life out. I have had so many changes happen and some that I'm grateful have, some that I hate have but am still grateful they happened, and some I wished hadn't. I've had a few really really rough patches where all I wanted to do was show up at your door and see if you would even look at me. I've been at the bottom for a while now and I'm trying to come back up but everything has just pushed me back down. And you're the one I wished had been with me most of those times.