If I even spelled that word right that is. I hate decisions. Especially recently when I seem to be constantly making the WRONG decisions. I'm trying. I am. I really really am, but when everything seems to go wrong your optimism is tested in every way possible. And I'm most certainly an optimist. But when I see people like Connor do what they do and say what they say without any bit of regret or remorse or anything, it just makes me wonder how much people actually care. I feel like if everyone was like me, everyone would be happier. Don't people get that? Don't people get that if you're nice to someone they'll be nice back. Or if you smile, you'll make them smile? Why is everything so messed up? Why can't people see that some things need to be done in order to get places.
But no, I don't want to write my papers to get my grades because there are 29837480274058 other things I'd rather be doing. Like writing this for example. Or going to get my nails done, or talking to Ricky. But its raining and I don't want to talk inside anywhere and I cant come to my house so... idk. I don't know where to go. And I'm at the point where I'm literally making myself sick, to the point of puking (again), because I'm so fucking nervous.
I know it sounds like I'm just complaining. And part of it is, but part of it is me really struggling with these things. Half the time I feel like I should be going to therapy but the other half I know I'm strong enough to figure this out on my own. And I want to to prove it to myself. So I'm going to try. and try again and again and again.
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