hurricane status

I don't really have a place to start. 


I guess I could start with Ricky. I don't know if I really miss him or if I just miss someone giving me the attention he gave me. But I don't think thats it. I think I really do love him and that all of my experiences since we stopped being friends just show how I really needed to get it out of me and now, especially after getting herpes.... I realize that more than ever.     I miss him. 


Ricky, if I could say something to you in person I don't even know if I could. I miss your hugs, the way your face lit up when you saw me and the way you stood next to me with your arm around my waist at parties. You always made me feel safe. You made me feel like I meant the world and that nothing would ever hurt me when I was with you. And then I went and fucked all of that up. I'm not saying I want to take it back or say sorry because 1) I dont. I learned more than you think I did from everything and I needed to have my own experiences. You always looked out for me and I know it was because you wanted what was best for me but I am/was still at that age where I needed to have the experiences. and 2) because I know  that it doesn't fix a thing. I hurt you, a lot, and repeatedly. And part of me fully knew that but I guess I just never realized it till I lost you as my friend. I considered you my best friend and to loose my best friend was the scariest thing ever. I cried so hard the day I walked back into the house after our talk on that Friday afternoon and I cried even more, when you texted me after a party which I was more than drunk at, saying we can't be friends because I'm immature. For me to hear that you didn't want to be friends with me through a TEXT message, after I have always made the effort to talk to you in person, absolutely crushed me. Which was why I said "fuck you". I wish you could let your guard down a little just to the point of talking to me right now. I know you've done it before and I just keep fucking things up but I'm trying. Ricky I don't know what else there is to say. I miss you so much and I just want you back as my friend, maybe, MAYBE more than that. But I can't say for sure. Because I still don't know for sure. But I know how I feel now and I know that I can't do this not knowing if we're going to be friends ever again or not. But why should you believe me this time? Why should you even want to be my friend let alone anything more than that... I don't know. But I know I'm working on figuring my life out. I have had so many changes happen and some that I'm grateful have, some that I hate have but am still grateful they happened, and some I wished hadn't. I've had a few really really rough patches where all I wanted to do was show up at your door and see if you would even look at me. I've been at the bottom for a while now and I'm trying to come back up but everything has just pushed me back down. And you're the one I wished had been with me most of those times.