In general, I love this saying. Because I do think that with time, good things can come from bad things. But I'm struggling right now. I ended up texting Cole and telling him everything, which he denied and was a TOTAL ass about. But I felt so much better after getting that over with.... until last night... and I had a dream we were friends again. Better than that, we were fuck buddies again. I don't know if its a mental block or a shyness I've developed or just that I had so much other shit going on that I just dont have the confidence I used to have with boys. But also I don't go anywhere to meet them. Like where would I go? Idk.
But my dream with Cole was so happy. We were just walking and he jokingly came up to me and talked about it and then was like we should have some fun. He said I was a lot of fun. I just hate how all of that happened. I wish I had said something when it first happened but at that time he had treated me like SHIT and then he got back together with his girlfriend and the timing was just terrible.
I loved what we had. I loved how casual it was but how sweet he was. It was just perfect, it was what I wanted and still want. And I miss that. I'm sad this is one mistake me being cute and nice and baking cookies and writing notes can't solve. In fact, I think this is the only problem I've ever had that that has happened with. I feel like that's partially why I'm struggling so much with this. And I understand why Cole doesn't really want to deal with me. But this kind of shit blows over. Like when Kate and I were talking about me being friends with Ethan again. And at this point, I totally would've striken? up a conversation with him and just been like look it's in the past. I didn't want to sleep with you in the first place, you should've realized that. Buuuut then I remembered how much of a temperamental asshole he was to me last fall and I was like no, its not even worth trying! So why bother.
I know it's stupid and childish and immature, whatever you want to call it. But I just wish people could move on from things like this. I understand why people seclude themselves and why they become so depressed and why they have suicidal thoughts. I get it now. But I have a hell of a lot of people behind me who I could never leave or hurt in any way like that. Those other people, like Cole, Ethan, Jake... They aren't worth my own life, my own pain. And if Kate hadn't said "are you okay? this is becoming a pattern." to me about my drinking then, and if I hadn't been able to go over to caroline's bawling and shaking and have katie driven me... I would be at that point. I would be hating everything including myself. I would absolutely be blaming myself for getting that drunk and not telling him sooner and everything. I want to go to therapy for them to tell me that me not telling him was okay.
because he got back together with his girlfriend.
but thats not what they do, thats not what they would say to me. So I don't really know where to go, what I want to get out of all of this.
I know I learned more than one ever thought. And Ricky was right, I'm definitely stronger. But sometimes being stronger is tiring and you just want a break. But I don't have time for that.
And then there's Rob. Who I definitely have a crush on, well... text crush. We're working on the actual thing. But he scares the shit out of me and I know he's unstable but he could hold me together. But I hate how involved with alcohol he is and how casually he talks about drugs and so many other things. And I want to change that. I want to be the reason he realizes its bad for himself and stops. But thats just like how I wanted to change Patrick. Kind of. Well, I guess not. But it's not good to start a relationship with someone and already want to change things.
It's something that no matter who I talk to, well, maybe Em, I'll always feel alone and I'm somewhat okay with it. But it sucks.
