double up

Not meaning to do so, I'm writing again about 10 minutes or less after that last post. As I read through some of my old ones I read the one before the one after this. Now thinking about it i cannot remember what it said. OK it was about what I had said about experiencing things. Which is what I was trying to keep Patrick from experiencing things the same way I did. And in trying to do so, made everything much worse than it would've been. But at the time, I thought it was the best thing to do. I mean after all, I didn't want to just call or text or facebook message, I wanted to talk to him face to face which I can now see as a big difference for me considering how shy and insecure I used to be. Like I had said though, I tried. I tried and I still do try to be the best I can be around him. I try but he doesn't notice so my next challenge is moving on. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Yes you can buy me love, no you dont have to wait

A month a maybe two weeks ago I put myself out there and got what I was after. A kiss from the new one (we'll say patrick). After that night I can't explain to anyone how excited I was because I was the happiest I had been in so long. Then after two weeks, everything went downhill, and I mean everything. He suddenly decided he wanted to go out with this girl so then I flipped out and told people I shouldn't have told because I was upset and then My other friend (we'll call her Sandy) found out and honestly I felt as if I had just been ripped out of place. I cried to the point of almost throwing up, absolutely hysterical. And that was AFTER we talked, and I cried then too. I cry now because I want Patrick to value our friendship the way he values Sandy's. But I will never get to that point. There is something between the two, whether it was forced there from them always being told they're going to get married or there's actually something deeper between them. I don't know, nor do I have a clue how to find out. But my feelings are in the open. They're out there. And he's receeded back under his rock, the one place I would constantly pull him out of. When I thought I lost my dog his hug made me feel hopefully and safe even though it was Halloween night and dark and rainy. I want that back. I want the Patrick back who would text me every night and say if i had "late night badness" I could text him. I want so much and it's not within reach. I try. I try to be the best person I can be around him. He really brings out the best in me and I can't see him and not smile. The day after he told me he wanted to ask that girl out, when he walked into work my stomach dropped, my heart sank, and all I wanted to do was run and cry. But I couldn't. And I didn't. You hurt me in the same way the other idiot did. But Patrick did it directly. And now I regret ever telling him because he wont act the same around me, not one bit. I want to do so much and I want to be there for him. I want to help him figure things out, help him with school, and with friends, but not with girlfriends. To help him with his family, to figure out what he wants to do and where he wants to go and to make him laugh and smile along the way. I can't talk about him to Sandy because after all, they're best friends, and they're going to be married. But when we're together and he responds to her texts or texts her first and I get nothing, its simply another slap in the face. Another rip waiting to be repair, another hole waiting to be filled.
I can't decide what I would rather do. Cut him off completely or stay as friends, because when I see him in the hall and catch his glance, a smile spreads across both of our faces, unstoppable by almost anything. The happiness that comes to me just from seeing him, to me right now that's worth it. but then we get to days where I look at him and think of how he was before our huge fight and his stupid decision and I see how different he is. Though I can't figure out where things all went wrong. This blog is the truest feelings I have. I don't sugar-coat anything nor exaggerate to extremes. Its the deep down truth that doesn't come out anywhere else, and no one knows that this exists. I can't imagine if someone did, but I would consider showing him... if I thought I stood a chance. And then there's that tiny bit of hope I have until someone crushes it, like the idiot did before. But that hope lasted for a year and a half and it doesn't go away easily. Like the texts I get that say "night marcy" while Sandy just gets night. and if I'm in a good mood I say sweet dreams, ok mood is goodnight. and bad mood is night. or bye. I want to know if he notices the differences. The way he tried to be friends with me when I was hurt and mad showed me a little, but he made no effort with me compared to the effort he made with Sandy. Its beyond late so I'm going to stop. But if I could, I would buy him for a month, just to show him who I am and have him to myself. I wish that option was there, because waiting....well it might just kill me.

Because You Loved Me

When my sister broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years, her goal was not to sulk about it. And she did a pretty good job at it because people kept coming by her and telling her she looked really happy. So when Franklin(fake name) told me that after I decided to be officially over with that other guy I've mentioned all throughout this it felt great. It made me look back and see how much trouble he really caused me. And while I was at a fundraiser the other night, I went over to say hi to one of my old teachers. She had switched to a new school and couldn't be happier, and the one thing she told me is " If you're not happy with something in your life, you have to change it." Now looking back, I remember having all the doubts from like month 4. now its month 18? since I met him and I can finally say I'm happy I'm done. I stuck with it because he was so confident and I had that one bit of hope deep down. But deep down I also knew it was never going to work out.

Now, even though I'm struggling with flirting with boys and keeping grades up and remaining confident with myself, I know it was the right thing. His texts are finally gone from my phone, name is without a heart, and no longer friends on facebook. I should've done that back in the summer when I was doubting him because I had a feeling he was with the girl who he's with know. LESSON LEARNED: ALWAYS trust your gut feeling. Don't ignore it, because you'll only regret it later.

This seems like a depressing post, but honestly its not. Its me sharing with others what I've learned over the last year and a half. But I'm not expecting people to listen because if you love someone the way I loved him, you have to experience everything yourself. You'll take into consideration the things other people say, but in reality you're going to follow your heart and stay with him (or her). Live your own life, make your own mistakes. They'll make up the memories you'll share looking back, the good and the bad, the glamorous and the ugly. Because he loved me I know more about myself today than I ever imagined. And I know the next boy I fall in love with will teach me more and more every day.
Postsecret is calling me, so I'm going to go read the ups and downs that others have lived. xxoo

The Inbetween

"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference."

I don't know who said that, nor do I really agree with it. Though now that I think about it more, it does make more sense. But how are you supposed to judge if you have no feelings about someone? Most of us have a certain feeling about someone the second we meet them, but indifference would mean that you have no feelings whatsoever, right? Or is it just you don't have any opinion of anything to do with that certain person. Which in my mind is hard to believe because once you love someone they may break your heart, but if they were to suddenly die, you wouldn't just completely disregard it. Whether you're sad or angry that still isn't indifference.

This is partially me just going on and on, considering I haven't really read what I'm writing and probably contradicted myself multiple times. But I'll fix it later. xox

When You Were Little

Remember when you were little and your parents used to talk to someone else about you while you were standing right next to them? Well in my life, that still happens. My mom and sister are attempting to help me do the whole college search, meanwhile I have zero motivation and therefore refuse to do anything. So as I swam around my pool about 8 feet away from the two of them, I hear the lowering of the volume of their voice and can tell they're talking about me. And then theres the "Just walked into a room and everyone goes silent" thing that also occured.

In addition to that, a major player things I'm now going to go for him and doesn't dare leave me alone. AND a possible broken toe turned into more of a broken foot kind of thing. Good day overall though. Tomorrow will be an interesting one with a 12 hour day of camp and a ride home with the one I've been after all summer :) Peace outt

Drop Everything

Crying always makes everything better in the end. But right now I'm finding it hard to get the release point I need too. Everything that's happening is exactly at once and I don't know what to pay attention to.

For example, I'm already awful enough at being mad at people but being mad at two people at once... that's a whole different story. I can't be upset about my whole boy situation and deal with my best friend leaving to go back to rehab school after lying to me the same way the guy did. The guy who she hated that is... please tell me how that makes sense. It doesn't. That's what it comes down to. She knows she messed it up big time but I can't tell how I feel about it. When he did it to me I was really hurt but with her its like I expected her to let me down at one point or another. I don't really understand what I'm feeling right now. Hence why I'm babbling on here. I've decided I don't care too much if someone reads this or not. Its like an online journal and simple enough I feel much better. Maybe instead of crying this will be my new release of tensions and emotions.

Sleeping after crying is one of the best sleeps someone can get. Your body is so exhausted from everything coming out at once. I kind of regret texting him. It was a lapse of judgement on my part but I do really need to talk to him. I can't decide what to do because either way I feel like I just put myself in a hole that I can't get out of for a while. I'm texting him now and he knows I'm not my usual self but if he asks and/or calls me 1. I won't be able to talk and 2. I don't know what to tell him is wrong. I've lost that drive I had to just let him go because my best friend let me down big time and she's the one I always went to with all my problems. So as it is, I am stuck in a hole and don't know how to get out. The plan is to try to let everything go and see what happens... he got off probation and says he "hopes to visits" so we'll see how that all plays out. And for my friend... well that's another story and time will have to fix that one.

take 2

I was just kidding about that being my only post right after I restarted.I've been talking to the guy who I dragged around all year long. Now keep in mind I really did have feelings for him and they were strong. Just at the time I used to talk to my other guy all the time and my feelings were stronger for him. So between my best friend telling me she's going to rehab school year round because she lied to me and watching a movie that had the song that goes "may angels lead you in" at the end I lost it. That was the song that was in my guy's friend's memorial movie and this past fall it was the saddest thing I had experienced.
Moving on from that I crashed and now I'm ok but this whole up and down thing is not one of my favorites... is it for anyone though? I doubt it. Watching Sex and the City right now is making me slightly miss the relationship I had with.. I guess we should call him something but I can't think of what at the moment so if you have any ideas let me know. I'm really running on empty now but I'm secretly waiting for him to text or call me... or even show up on line. Even though I know its not going to happen. So for those who always wonder if girls really do wait by the phone, the answer is yes. And THAT is all I have for now.

Re-Start!

So I forgot about this for a while and then I saw the movie Julie&Julia earlier today and I figured I could start it up again. After reading the other posts I decided I didn't want to write the same way but I couldn't bring myself to delete them. So now, almost a year later I'm restarting this whole blogging thing. I love being able to write and having it open for people to read. But sometimes I don't get why people would bother reading it. So if you are reading this I hope you get something from it.

After almost a full year and a half of "being with" my guy, something snapped in me when I didn't hear anything from him on my birthday or any days following it. I can't say I regret it because I don't think I do. I loved, and still partially do, still love him but reality set in on my fantasy world I had been living in for so long. I remember being in a similar position back in January after he lied to me and told me he quit smoking but I soon found out that was a lie. Yet when I confronted him he simply said its his way of dealing with the "shit in his life". Meanwhile half the shit in is life is because of the fact that he smokes and drinks. But back to being in the same position. This time, I'm ready for it to be done. Back in January I guess I was more insecure than I realized and wasn't strong enough to say what I had wanted to at the time.
However, after working through six going on seven weeks at my hell resembling yet oh so lovable job, I found that I'm stronger than I thought. I hate the feeling I have inside of me of being alone and not having that one person that I can always go to but I'm looking at it as a time to make me more comfortable with myself so the next relationship I get into I don't hesitate to get what I want, and maybe even see them once every 2 years. That would be a miracle. So for now, that's about all I have to say. I'm going to go finish typing the letter that I started to him because I don't have the guts to say it on the phone. Maybe the letter will help me get the courage to, and I'll tell him instead of sending the letter... which I still don't know if I want to do. I'll try to pick up more on this whole network of blogs but bear with me... half the time I'm asleep by 9:30.