A month a maybe two weeks ago I put myself out there and got what I was after. A kiss from the new one (we'll say patrick). After that night I can't explain to anyone how excited I was because I was the happiest I had been in so long. Then after two weeks, everything went downhill, and I mean everything. He suddenly decided he wanted to go out with this girl so then I flipped out and told people I shouldn't have told because I was upset and then My other friend (we'll call her Sandy) found out and honestly I felt as if I had just been ripped out of place. I cried to the point of almost throwing up, absolutely hysterical. And that was AFTER we talked, and I cried then too. I cry now because I want Patrick to value our friendship the way he values Sandy's. But I will never get to that point. There is something between the two, whether it was forced there from them always being told they're going to get married or there's actually something deeper between them. I don't know, nor do I have a clue how to find out. But my feelings are in the open. They're out there. And he's receeded back under his rock, the one place I would constantly pull him out of. When I thought I lost my dog his hug made me feel hopefully and safe even though it was Halloween night and dark and rainy. I want that back. I want the Patrick back who would text me every night and say if i had "late night badness" I could text him. I want so much and it's not within reach. I try. I try to be the best person I can be around him. He really brings out the best in me and I can't see him and not smile. The day after he told me he wanted to ask that girl out, when he walked into work my stomach dropped, my heart sank, and all I wanted to do was run and cry. But I couldn't. And I didn't. You hurt me in the same way the other idiot did. But Patrick did it directly. And now I regret ever telling him because he wont act the same around me, not one bit. I want to do so much and I want to be there for him. I want to help him figure things out, help him with school, and with friends, but not with girlfriends. To help him with his family, to figure out what he wants to do and where he wants to go and to make him laugh and smile along the way. I can't talk about him to Sandy because after all, they're best friends, and they're going to be married. But when we're together and he responds to her texts or texts her first and I get nothing, its simply another slap in the face. Another rip waiting to be repair, another hole waiting to be filled.
I can't decide what I would rather do. Cut him off completely or stay as friends, because when I see him in the hall and catch his glance, a smile spreads across both of our faces, unstoppable by almost anything. The happiness that comes to me just from seeing him, to me right now that's worth it. but then we get to days where I look at him and think of how he was before our huge fight and his stupid decision and I see how different he is. Though I can't figure out where things all went wrong. This blog is the truest feelings I have. I don't sugar-coat anything nor exaggerate to extremes. Its the deep down truth that doesn't come out anywhere else, and no one knows that this exists. I can't imagine if someone did, but I would consider showing him... if I thought I stood a chance. And then there's that tiny bit of hope I have until someone crushes it, like the idiot did before. But that hope lasted for a year and a half and it doesn't go away easily. Like the texts I get that say "night marcy" while Sandy just gets night. and if I'm in a good mood I say sweet dreams, ok mood is goodnight. and bad mood is night. or bye. I want to know if he notices the differences. The way he tried to be friends with me when I was hurt and mad showed me a little, but he made no effort with me compared to the effort he made with Sandy. Its beyond late so I'm going to stop. But if I could, I would buy him for a month, just to show him who I am and have him to myself. I wish that option was there, because waiting....well it might just kill me.
No comments:
Post a Comment