You were right...

I think this will be one of a very smalllll number of times I ever admit to someone being right about something of this nature. So to this I say to pat. who now has a girlfriend. even though he said he wants to sleep with me. and sexted me. ANYWAYS, to Pat, I say this: You were right. I am too good for you. I can do better than you and I deserve more than you.

I love you. But that doesn't change much. You specifically said you weren't out there to toy with my feelings and use me... I think you need a reality check because that is EXACTLY. what you did. And when I asked you you denied it, whether thats because you didn't want to admit, or didn't know yourself... either one is wrong. You're 24. Be the man you seem to think you are and be real. I know I can be a lot to handle but I also KNOW how much I have to offer. My life has given me many opportunities, of which i try to take advantage of as much as I can, and I am forever grateful for. I wish you could have seen that.

Rude.

There is rarely a reason for anyone to ever be rude. Yet Pat does it consistently and probably unintentionally which is almost worse, because that means him as a person just isn't a good person. But as true as that might be, its just not true. I know how good he can be.

I wish I had someone to help me move on. He's clearly got friends on reserve... I wonder if he says the same shit to them that he did to me. I wonder if he was actually only really comfortable with me... and if that is true, why he wont talk to me anymore. 

Endless Hope

I just want him to talk to me and he won't. And I know that speaks to his feelings as an action alone but I really can't handle this. I have still been hoping that a package is going to show up on my doorstep or that he will himself... but it's a good thing I'm not holding my breath.

And I wanted him to be happy for me... happy with me because I got a job... but I guess we're done... because he can't be bothered to talk to me at all even though we're in the same state. :(

Resiliency

Kids are magical because they are resilient. They can bounce back from so many varieties of situations and continue on their lives with out recalling the unhappiness on a regular basis. Their memories aren't capable of reflecting on the pain at one time after a while. As adults, we make ourselves crack. We hold on to those little things. We struggle to let  go of those painful things to move on to the next thing, holding back until we know it will not hurt. I thought I had my good judgement, I thought I had trusted the right person and could tell that he felt the same. Until he didn't. And then I didn't just crack, I blew up like a helium balloon. It took a month and an adult juice box for me to bounce back. 

I still don't have all the answers I want. I don't know how he "failed" me. I don't know if that means he never had any intentions of becoming close to me, regardless of what he said all the time. Or if he meant what he said before and then he didn't mean to make me feel so friendzoned. I don't know and I'm not sure I'll ever know.

I do know that I was hoping it was the second. I was hoping that he was going to surprise me with a big gesture once he got up here... and he is now. Yet he hasn't said a word. 

So here's to resiliency. The reason I work with kids. The reason I know I will find someone to love eventually and if not, I'll buy lots of dogs.

Let it go

If only I could follow my own advice and that of the song I've been singing for the last 35 hours... let it go. I am at the point of confusion where I feel sick to my stomach. I dont know what to make of anything and I don't know what my next step should be. I can't tell if I should bother trying to get an answer out of him. I don't want all of this to follow into next week though, the last week of camp is always hard enough as it is. but this is also really hard. I REALLY thought he was one that I didn't need to worry about not letting my guard down with. I really really really thought he was a good one but this is almost exactly how everything has ended with the past few guys!! I don't get it. I really don't think that I'm that scary to say something to... if any guy knows me enough that I drop my wall... then they should know that even though I'm emotional, I can handle pretty much everything. With lots of tears, but everything nonetheless. And clearly my everything is much different than his everything so I don't want that to be completely mistaken but I am split between giving up or keep on caring. It's ridiculously hard for me because he does... or did make me so happy that I was another person, in such a good way.. but this is going back to how I felt with Zach and I was afraid that with all of this happening I would want to go back and talk to him but I think I'm finally past that. And maybe I'll move away from those kinds of people. 

I catch myself reasoning with why its okay to just truly let it go and not care about any reasons or excuses, whatever they may be. But I also know that I'm me and that will only last for so long. It's hard not understanding why someone did something. Thats why I work with kids, because almost everything is explicable. But he's someone who needed more as a kid and I wish I could give that to him as an adult because he can be SO fucking awesome and amazing... and so fucking horrible I just want to cry. Yet at the same time, I don't want to cry because I don't want to give in to that level. I don't want to constantly be worried about having my feelings hurt... but even though he says he sucks with emotions he sure is real about them.... but not with me. 

Part of me keeps thinking he isn't saying anything because he's overwhelmed. Another part of me is thinking he has some surprise planned or something.. but the last part of me just has that same feeling that I've gotten with other guys and know all too well...

Maybe I will just have to let it go.. can't hold on anymore.

Instincts

It's always said to trust your instincts. They're the guiding force to your survival; but what about in terms of love? Which instinct is correct? What are we supposed to trust. 

I already know I'm not only emotionally unstable 90% of the time but recently I've become more prone to physiological responses along with my emotions. The most recent: throw up. Never, I repeat NEVER, have I actually willingly wanted to throw up. Until about 35 minutes ago. The gut wrenching reaction I had made throwing up feel like the only thing that would make me feel better. The only. If I stop writing this, I would go back straight to that feeling. 

And on top of that confusion, I have Zach nonstop texting me. Who I'm not sure if he's stalking me, or what. But I'm really trying to refrain from responding to him, but now that I'm upset, I naturally want to. And then throw up. On him.

I don't usually feel like this. I also don't usually open myself up so much to someone and of course as a "reward" for doing so, I get the same fucking result I have any other time I've let someone in. They go back to someone else. Go back to- as in they already had a thing with that person, and then after me is just like "oh that girl that I just shit talked to you for the last ____ months, yeah I decided I want to date her. That's EXACTLY what I feel is happening... well except for the fact that his relationship with her is strange. He loves her, and I mean I know she loves him, but its like how I was with Ricky... that "let me drag you around for years" deal.

And then regardless of all of this. How the hell do you decide to stop looking? At what point do the things you care about no longer matter and you just are happy to be with someone. I'm picky. I'm stubborn, and I was raised like a princess. I want that for my kids. But I can't have kids with someone who's feelings are so strong about someone who he's never even been with; who's a friend who doesn't seem to give anything back to him. Why can't he let that go? He says I'm "pretty damn awesome" yet then he "would give anything just to touch her face". 

I feel like I can't catch a break. That at some point, every man I meet will have this sort of situation and I will be the loser. I told him. That's what bothers me the most. And I know I told him in a casual conversation but he knows I see everything he posts on social media. And that I'm not dumb enough not to translate shit. And of course the one person I would want to go to is the one person I feel like I can't go to which should be a sign in it of itself but I don't even know if she matters anymore.... to me, I know she doesn't all that much but I don't know if she does to him. And though she would never say it. It would still be the admittance of "I told you so".

All of the Puzzles Got Mixed Together- November

I'm at a complete lack of where to start. I honestly would rather be writing this but I just don't have anywhere to do that right now. I'm hungry, absolutely exhausted, and have so much work and need to go to the gym. But I don't want to do anything other than go to bed. I know part of that is because I am actually tired, I didn't sleep a whole lot last night and didn't nap today. But regardless of that, I also know that theres something else wrong. I can feel it. I think its my birth control and that I need to change it because I feel out of control. I feel like I can't be fully happy, which is how I started feeling before my period; so back to the doctor I go. We'll have to see if the women's health center is any more helpful than this last lady. 

So besides my self-diagnosis of being depressed, theres a lot of other stuff going on in my head. And its going to be hard to get out because I also really have to go to the bathroom right now. 

We can start with Zach. Because obviously he's the most troubling. I've known he was trouble for the beginning but I wasn't too worried. Now I'm past worried and kind of wish I hadn't talked to him after Rob. But he was the one I wanted to talk to after I slept with that other guy so I'm not sure what that means. And, I love what we have when he's here. but the bottom line is, he's not here. And when he's not here, I think a LOT. Granted I have gotten better at sorting out what are actually my thoughts and what are my brain making me think stupid things are. but im having a hard time ignoring all the "excessive" thoughts.

What Hurts the Most

was how I actually valued his friendship and the sex we had. But he never even believed it. For once in my life, one guy seems to have thought I was a heartless bitch, which I am just so far from. And I hate that he doesn't get to see that, get to know that part of me because then at least I could consider him my friend. I haven't ever hurt in this way. I feel like an animal who's been used for body parts. 

I don't understand. I don't understand why he didn't believe that I am a caring person who is loving to the bone and hates hurting peoples feelings. I don't understand how he can say he was so good at reading people but yet when I try to have a conversation that would seemingly benefit our relationship he accuses me of being girlfriend-y when he was the one that kissed me on the forehead and constantly was saying "I miss you, and not just for the sex."  I hate it. I hate that he wouldn't even drive in the car 30 minutes one way and 30 minutes another to the same mountain, and talk to me like a human. I just feel like a piece of meat and that feeling wont go away. It's hard to hold it together when the one time I try to be nice he has to point out that the girl who he "digs" is coming up to visit him. It hurts. A lot. And I'm sad. And for once I don't know what to do to remedy this, because having sex with someone else didn't make it better one bit. It didn't make it easier to forget or move past. It just added another number. Don't get me wrong, it was fun and I enjoyed the experience but I just want to have someone who knows my body's wants and is fun and pushes me out of my comfort zone. It all meant something to me, but he doesn't seem to care or believe me no matter what I say. And that hurts.

Lots of Strings Attached

I googled how to have a casual relationship... and I got exactly what I was expecting with a few things I wouldn't have thought of. And I knew from there that I was already doing it wrong. Reaaallly wrong. But I wanted to go with it anyway, so I did. And we already had that one meltdown over new years for that shit but now I'm having another. Because somehow... even though I spent a bunch of hours at his place and slept there and woke up and laid in bed and talked and everything he still makes a point to tell me he went on a date and it went well. As a friend, I want to be happy for him, and I actually am. I get that he's in a shitty situation and isn't necessarily happy where he is and what not. I juuust dont understand our relationship though.. past friends. I get fuck buddies but like the fact that I'm the only person he has to hang out with adds that twisted element into it that just fucks it all up. And I don't like it. I can do casual if  thats it but he doesn't go for just that. He calls me pet names and kisses me while I'm sleeping, during my post sex nap.YOU DON'T DO THAT TO FUCK BUDDIES. We haaad sex. It's not like he was going for that. So I think he was going for a relationship but like what the hell do I know. He can just go on his merry way dating every fucking girl.

And then theres my furry four legged boyfriend who I know will never let me down. Dogs are woman's best friend too