Soulmate

The infamous soulmate.
Have you found yours? 
Do you have one? 
Do you have more than one?

What is a soulmate?

I firmly believe everyone has at least one soulmate in this world. However, I also believe most people have more than one. (keep in mind all of this is while I'm reading "Modern Romance" and laughing my ass off at how true it is) 

But anyways, I believe most people have more than one soul mate; because I believe that a soulmate is someone who is so perfect for you in one way, at one point in time. But that's it. They're meant to be in your life for that time and only that time and then you are meant to move on. They're supposed to have an such a large impact that you can feel them in your thoughts, like the head over heels love so many people seek. I don't think that's who you are supposed to marry. 

To me, your relationship with your soulmate is so amazing, so perfect and passionate all at once that it can't last. Because once you start learning who each other are and what qualities you have, that attraction fades...or it does and you try to force it back resulting in a forced, uncomfortable relationship where neither of you are happy. Or you're both pretending, and that never lasts.

I think I found mine.

In fact, I know I did. I'm just too afraid to actually commit to saying that because I have no idea how he felt. I wish I could know... I think I know but I only really want to know if it's a "he cares about me the same way I cared about him" answer.

He's smart, really motivated, Jewish, hilarious, thoughtful, kind, spunky, outgoing, protective... I mean I really can keep going. Whenever I was with him I felt like nothing could go wrong. He's carefree but not careless. And he's still a teenager. Granted he's 19, turning 20 in like two months but still. I couldn't have planned that even if I wanted to. He was the one person everyone was like "oh you should go for it" and I literally said "No way, he's way too young. If I can't get a drink with him I'm not dating him." And now that's all I wish I could do.

Drink Up

I don't know what to make of any of it. I can't tell if I don't want it to work out in general or if I really want it to and I'm trying to find a reason for it to fall apart like every other relationship. Or if I'm just really that uncomfortable with the idea of me being with someone, I don't know. He's a party boy but I partially like that. It makes me social and I like being around energetic people. But at the same time if I'm having a shitty day and at 6 pm wanted to call and talk to a sober person I don't think he would be... and that I obviously really dislike. But he's really cute, he's got little freckles and brown eyes, and a ginger beard. He's sweet and polite, more than I am. And he's very personable. But I haven't been around him I've just been like dead weight. Which isn't fun. And I want to tell him just to get it out of the way but at the same time I don't. But now that I think about it, if I told him now and he didn't want to see me anymore, I don't think I would feel like that it was the reason why he didn't want to see me anymore.. because that's how I feel already But I think that's because of the wall I've put up, which has resulted in me seeming quite shy. I just need another chance with him in a casual setting... but I don't know what we would do. But I just want to spend time with him.

You were right...

I think this will be one of a very smalllll number of times I ever admit to someone being right about something of this nature. So to this I say to pat. who now has a girlfriend. even though he said he wants to sleep with me. and sexted me. ANYWAYS, to Pat, I say this: You were right. I am too good for you. I can do better than you and I deserve more than you.

I love you. But that doesn't change much. You specifically said you weren't out there to toy with my feelings and use me... I think you need a reality check because that is EXACTLY. what you did. And when I asked you you denied it, whether thats because you didn't want to admit, or didn't know yourself... either one is wrong. You're 24. Be the man you seem to think you are and be real. I know I can be a lot to handle but I also KNOW how much I have to offer. My life has given me many opportunities, of which i try to take advantage of as much as I can, and I am forever grateful for. I wish you could have seen that.

Rude.

There is rarely a reason for anyone to ever be rude. Yet Pat does it consistently and probably unintentionally which is almost worse, because that means him as a person just isn't a good person. But as true as that might be, its just not true. I know how good he can be.

I wish I had someone to help me move on. He's clearly got friends on reserve... I wonder if he says the same shit to them that he did to me. I wonder if he was actually only really comfortable with me... and if that is true, why he wont talk to me anymore. 

Endless Hope

I just want him to talk to me and he won't. And I know that speaks to his feelings as an action alone but I really can't handle this. I have still been hoping that a package is going to show up on my doorstep or that he will himself... but it's a good thing I'm not holding my breath.

And I wanted him to be happy for me... happy with me because I got a job... but I guess we're done... because he can't be bothered to talk to me at all even though we're in the same state. :(

Resiliency

Kids are magical because they are resilient. They can bounce back from so many varieties of situations and continue on their lives with out recalling the unhappiness on a regular basis. Their memories aren't capable of reflecting on the pain at one time after a while. As adults, we make ourselves crack. We hold on to those little things. We struggle to let  go of those painful things to move on to the next thing, holding back until we know it will not hurt. I thought I had my good judgement, I thought I had trusted the right person and could tell that he felt the same. Until he didn't. And then I didn't just crack, I blew up like a helium balloon. It took a month and an adult juice box for me to bounce back. 

I still don't have all the answers I want. I don't know how he "failed" me. I don't know if that means he never had any intentions of becoming close to me, regardless of what he said all the time. Or if he meant what he said before and then he didn't mean to make me feel so friendzoned. I don't know and I'm not sure I'll ever know.

I do know that I was hoping it was the second. I was hoping that he was going to surprise me with a big gesture once he got up here... and he is now. Yet he hasn't said a word. 

So here's to resiliency. The reason I work with kids. The reason I know I will find someone to love eventually and if not, I'll buy lots of dogs.

Let it go

If only I could follow my own advice and that of the song I've been singing for the last 35 hours... let it go. I am at the point of confusion where I feel sick to my stomach. I dont know what to make of anything and I don't know what my next step should be. I can't tell if I should bother trying to get an answer out of him. I don't want all of this to follow into next week though, the last week of camp is always hard enough as it is. but this is also really hard. I REALLY thought he was one that I didn't need to worry about not letting my guard down with. I really really really thought he was a good one but this is almost exactly how everything has ended with the past few guys!! I don't get it. I really don't think that I'm that scary to say something to... if any guy knows me enough that I drop my wall... then they should know that even though I'm emotional, I can handle pretty much everything. With lots of tears, but everything nonetheless. And clearly my everything is much different than his everything so I don't want that to be completely mistaken but I am split between giving up or keep on caring. It's ridiculously hard for me because he does... or did make me so happy that I was another person, in such a good way.. but this is going back to how I felt with Zach and I was afraid that with all of this happening I would want to go back and talk to him but I think I'm finally past that. And maybe I'll move away from those kinds of people. 

I catch myself reasoning with why its okay to just truly let it go and not care about any reasons or excuses, whatever they may be. But I also know that I'm me and that will only last for so long. It's hard not understanding why someone did something. Thats why I work with kids, because almost everything is explicable. But he's someone who needed more as a kid and I wish I could give that to him as an adult because he can be SO fucking awesome and amazing... and so fucking horrible I just want to cry. Yet at the same time, I don't want to cry because I don't want to give in to that level. I don't want to constantly be worried about having my feelings hurt... but even though he says he sucks with emotions he sure is real about them.... but not with me. 

Part of me keeps thinking he isn't saying anything because he's overwhelmed. Another part of me is thinking he has some surprise planned or something.. but the last part of me just has that same feeling that I've gotten with other guys and know all too well...

Maybe I will just have to let it go.. can't hold on anymore.