BackStAbBer

I haven't slept well in what seems like a really long time. And I know a lot of it is related to loosing Steph as my best friend. Its weird. She was the one friend I really didn't think anything would change with and she's the one things changed the most with. My mom knows how frustrated and sad I really am about losing her, but she also knows that its better for me to have more than one friend and I've learned that it is better to spread yourself out.

But now that Steph and I are no longer even really friends, its awkward for me. I feel so stressed about it because all I want to do is call her out on the shit she had said and then didn't follow through on, but part of me is afraid that if I do that, she'll point out things to me that I bailed on too. But I don't think I ever did anything quite like she did.

It really does hurt though. I miss her, I miss how even though we had been in a huge fight I was the girl she called when Ryan dumped her. I was the one that skipped classes the next day and stayed up till 3 in the morning with her while she cried drunk. I'm no longer that girl. And part of me needs to be.

Part of why I want to be a mom so much is because I thrive off of having people depend on me. I love being needed. I think it really brings out the best in me. But that's not an option right now. Not at all. Maybe she hated how I constantly threw things in her face and forced her to face reality. I think that combined with the fact that she really just needs to grow up just killed our friendship. But there must've been something else. I just don't know what. I do know that I can be a huge grudge holder though.

If she was just being her and we had this whole fall out I don't think I would've minded. The problem I have is that she's changed as a person. She thrives off of acting ditzy and stupid and being the center of peoples attention in that way. Like her Shannon, Jackie and Cathy? Its clear that they all just feed off of each other. And I have no respect for them, which would be fine if I didn't also feel like I was being disrespected in return. And I do, because of all of the things Steph has said and not done. Because when I said I wasn't going to drink. I didn't for a little at least. She did two days later. And when I needed to be grounded, I did it myself. Because I can. And because I take responsibility for my actions and when I don't like something, I change it. Clearly, she was never taught that, and never will be. Because she refuses to listen to me. as has been evident in previous circumstances.

life sucks. get a helmet.

life really sucks right now. just the general idea of it, meaning the finding a mate and having kids and finding a mate at different times than your friends and it does suck. i mean i've had bad luck with certain things. but when it comes down to relationships, i don't see how the girl who only complains about the shit she's gotten in and blah blah blah can't find a nice boy ends up dating the president of a fraternity her first semester of college. like really. thanks life. i'd like a permanent lemon head.

wHeN YoU WiSH uPoN A sTAr

It's 11:11 and I'm just about to make my wish...okay done. I'm actually at a really low point in my mood right now. I feel like everything I do is just wrong and I feel really frazzled? I'm not sure why but I feel like I have no control over when I should stop talking to people... I feel like my normal intuition is leaving me. As is my knack for names which is actually annoying. So besides me being an idiot with Mike just a little more...today Ricky told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. As he put it "I feel like you would be a really good girlfriend". Are you SHITTING me!? was pretty much my response. Like if anything, you don't tell someone you want them to be your girlfriend because after 2 years of being single you think they would be a good girlfriend... WHO DOES THAT!?

So then I tried explaining how I felt and the more I thought about it... I feel like I might actually like him? I'm really not sure. I'm not attracted to him. But I don't like the thought of loosing him as a friend, which he pretty much said is going to happen because he didn't think we could be good friends because the feelings are still there. I really don't know why I'm struggling so much. I feel like I just keep walking into shitty situations like this where I'm just the friend that gets fucked over because no matter what I do its never the right thing.

Like actually, how many times am I gonna get fucked over: Patrick... Brad... Mike...

Things aren't looking good and whether it's because I'm pmsing or something else but my optimism certainly isn't there. I'm even trying to get more involved. I'm really liking my classes though not the excessive amount of work I've already been faced with. But still, I don't mind going to my classes, I've met some really interesting people from them. I just don't know what to do. Kelly and I are going to try to join another club... I need to find something else to get involved in because she's even involved in class council. And I guess Stephanie isn't capable of juggling a lot of things at once? I understand she's going through a lot but I really don't know. I'm just mad at everyone right now and I'm just going to go to bed soon and hope tomorrow will be better. But the people next door to me are BLASTING music. Thank you college. UGH. And now I'm listening to depressing music on pandora because its the only thing that seems to fit my mood and Stephanie didn't call me back and I can't get on to the school website and nothing's working out for me today. I really should go to bed. Hmmbug.

She said "see ya later boy"

So, believe it or not, it's almost the end of the summer already. I'm leaving for school in less than 2 weeks and going in to my last week of camp. It's crazy! I don't know what to make of it right now... my feelings are kind of all over the place. I started out with boys going into 4th or 5th grade at camp and then got moved to the oldest boys in camp. Middle School Boys. Talk about crazy. But, before you start thinking about all the negative parts of middle school boys I have to say, I really have come to love them. Each of them certainly has something to offer but I can't say that I would like them nearly as much if I didn't have Mike as a co-counselor.

Haha- I'm not really sure where to start with someone whose last name is Victory. The first two weeks he was checking everyone in on the waterfront and we would flirt/goof off. But then I got switched to his tribe and I was so angry. After getting over it I started to get used to being in the tribe, which was a big challenge. This past week was the first week I really felt comfortable with them. And this happens to be the week that I got to drink with him and finally make out with him. We'd hung out outside of camp a few weeks before- after the first camp softball game he asked me to go to plaster fun time with him that Sunday. So I met him there and then we hugged at the end and then left. The following week on Saturday we went to see the Winnie the Pooh movie, drove around Lexington, and then he came back to my house where he got to meet my whole family, including my dad (who he introduced himself to). Then we didn't hang out for a week but this past week we had our hike with our boys and then an overnight following that. A.K.A. lots of quality bonding time... which it was. On Friday afternoon he invited me over but I didn't think I was going to go. It got to be about 8:45 and I was ready to either just go cry or just run or something, my family was driving me crazy. So while talking to him on Facebook- I made an impulsive decision to go and hang out with him. He had two friends over when I got there, gave me a drink, and we just hung out. It was SO refreshing. Two more friends came over later and then we went to play cards...Mike had his arm around me... we held hands.. etc. It ended up being a really really good night. I went home happy. He texted me cute things. It was just a good night.

Of course, not everything can just be perfect and happy. First of all, there's one other girl who he is really good friends with but I don't know if it is like a competition or what. But I'm trying to just be positive. Second, he leaves on Friday. LAME.sdjiocdsla. Is how I feel. Maybe some dreams will help me figure things out... otherwise HOPEFULLY I'll just be saying "see ya later boy" on Friday.

Move Along

It actually amazes me the happiness I am still able to find in sitting down and reading a book from front to back. Not a book online, I'm talking about good old fashioned pages you physically flip. I just finished "Good In Bed" and I can certainly tell you I will always be a sucker for happy endings. The story is remarkable. I really can't believe it actually because it was over 300 pages and I finished it in a day. Its about loving yourself, and learning how to live your life even when things don't go your way. I would recommend you to read it, only if you like cheesy happy endings though. Well, maybe even if you don't.

After meeting with my friend who has had a boyfriend for over a year now (they started dating the same time me and patrick did) and seeing how happy she is with him and how I wasn't with Patrick, I know I made the right choice. And I know that there is someone out there for me, hopefully with brown hair and blue or green eyes. Its funny, I go out and I meet these guys who love my body and I guess my personality, but let's be real here, mostly my body. And I can tell you now, I have thought of some of them as roles in my life. After hooking up with them asking myself if I could see myself dating them? Take for example, "Elmarto" the first boy who actually pulled back instead of kissing me. Now put him next to Thompson who was aggressively pursuing me, in a way that I might've been attracted to at one point in time, or a certain mood, but not when I had Elmarto on the other side of me. Who one second is lying to me, telling me his name is Elmarto and he's colombian (facebook says otherwise, though I could accuse Elmarto of identity theft!) and resisting me, to being a dirty talker, but not like Thompson, in a way that I found flattering. So obviously I considered him as a potential. Keep in mind, I know this is impractical as he wouldn't even tell me his name and all he wanted to do was have sex. But after reading this book, my hopes soar high and I hope they stay there forever. I hope to always be able to see the bright side in things, I hope to be able to be happy with myself for once, and truly love every part of my body. I love myself, I do. I just also know what I want, and what's good for me, and I think I know what I need to do in order to get that. But I'll just have to keep moving along, boy after boy, walk after walk, and see where my path takes me.

It Goes Around The World

La la la la la. I do NOT want to leave! Who would've ever thought I would be saying that. And not just leave school. I don't want to leave Olivia. OR Stephanie. It seriously SUCKS. I never would've thought I would feel the way I do right now. So... talk about "going around the world", funny thing, I got around my college world pretty well. Not in a slutty slutty way, only slept with two guys. But it was definitely worth it. I had my fair share of make outs as well, including with two gay guys who I can't get enough of, weird? Maybe. Do I care? Nope! My roommate still hasn't learned this whole year to not leave your phone on vibrate on top of her closet... smart. But I do adore her. We did the school's naked event together, drunk as skunks, and I have to say it was one of the most fun things ever.

A few things that bother me right now: drunk people outside, guys not taking hints, guys being over dramatic, guys not being able to be friends, sisters with secretive boyfriends who project the perfect image. Bradley. I honestly don't know why Brad still bothers me. I don't know if it's just because I never had closure or what but it drives me crazy. Like really really crazy. I wish we could at least be friends so he could be reminded of how good we were together. Because I know that unfortunately I do still have feelings for him. But he's with his suitemate and seems semi-happy. He's back to drinking which sucks because he's a mean asshole when he drinks and thats how he ruined what we had after we started being friends again. And like, I'm the one that keeps taking those steps, and generally I don't mind because I want to get what I want. I just don't understand how he can go from one thing to another so fast and so unemotionally. Part of me wants to talk to him, but part of me is absolutely terrified to. But then again, why not? What do I have to lose. Karma's a bitch so I hope this comes back at him eventually. Between the way he's treated me and the way he's treated Steph. I know he's a good guy, I do. I just think he's gotten lost. And I just want to help. :/

Also, boys need to understand my difference between being friendly and flirty. And I need to work on differentiating the two!.

Heartbreak Warfare

I'm not sure where to start. Frustration would kind of describe how I feel right now. But I'm disappointed, upset, hurt, and angry as well. I guess all of these feelings are what one normally feels right after a break up... mine were just postponed a bit. I just don't get him, Brad that is. He's literally more dramatic than me. And clearly, doesn't want anything to do with me anymore (okay... so now it's my turn to be dramatic). So I'm not going to give him that option. It sucked to be sitting there and how we normally would've been really flirty and all that and now we just sit there. Maybe we were just too good together or something but I don't think that was the case, or is the case for that matter. It's so stupid that he gets nervous about commitment and so he's going to act differently which as a result impacts our whole relationship. Like okay, I get that you're 21 and are supposed to get married in the next 9 years but guess what, thats exactly what I want. And you know that. I can't say I'm surprised that that would freak him out but I just feel so let down. And his lying... like how am I supposed to know what he really has said or done. Maybe he just told me he talked to his mom about me because he knew I would like it. Seeing him the way I am right now, that wouldn't surprise me AT ALL. But now I just don't know what to do.

I suppose this is good. I get to feel my actual break up. Heartbreak... all that jazz that every girl loves. All is not fair in love and war. I don't know why anyone would think that. It's not true. I don't see how it could be. Because this, me and Brad, isn't fair. Maybe that's just saying what we have isn't love, but part of me felt like it was, in a different way than with Patrick. So now I'm sitting in a trench, waiting for the next move to happen. I've lost a few limbs so far, but maybe those can get re-attached if I so happen to be lucky enough. Maybe I'll just be leaning on everyone the rest of my life...that's not so much up to me at this point. I never really thought about the phrase "heartbreak warfare" but right now, in this moment, I can't think of a word that better fits my feelings.

Me, Myself, and I

I am exhausted. Emotionally, physically, everythingcally. I broke up with Patrick on Monday and maybe it's finally setting in. Brad really makes me happy but really makes me confused as well and that's just so frustrating for me. I'm trying to learn to be on my own but it doesn't help that I basically found the man of my dreams before I even broke up with Patrick. Talk about bad timing.

Part of me wants to just let loose and be the stereotypical college girl, and part of me is saying why? That's not you. It's not what you want, it's not good for you, you're going to get hurt. And me being me I listen to the second half. And then there's Steph who is telling me I'm already in another relationship, when I'm not. Brad and I are weird. And I'm somewhat okay with that. Like I said, its frustrating. Frustrating isn't the worst thing in the world though is it?

I have come to learn that society's social norms are extremely rigid and it is so looked down upon if you do anything but. How frustrating ! Actually.

Why can't I just go from one person to another if I feel ready? Why do I need to be "on my own"? What if we both want the same things and soon and get along so well and make each other so happy and understand each other like no one else can? Why wait?

Nobody Said It Was Easy

To be honest, I'm so exhausted right now this won't be my best post. But I told Patrick tonight about everything that bothered me in our relationship, his lack of input, lack of effort, etc. I can't put into words how I feel right now. I know I love him, and I know I always will. But besides that, I don't know what kind of love. Part of me is absolutely capable of making myself forget I felt all of this, or rather than forget simply move forward. Part of me is done with what we had. I know he's not. I know he was so upset tonight when we talked. I know that. And it broke my heart.

Right now, I feel more alone than I have in a long time. And surprisingly, I'm moderately okay with it. But only moderately. I dont know what to make of it though. I don't know if I'm trying to protect myself or what but it's more than confusing. And I don't like not understanding myself. And then there's my one "guy friend" who we agreed to be just friends. And he was the one I wanted to talk to. But I was too tired. So maybe that will be tomorrow.

Nobody said it was easy. I've known that from the start, relationships are work. I've just never been in this state of mind before.

Nobody said it was easy. But did people say it was hard?

confession

I wish Judaism had a form of confession like Christians do, where you go and physically say your sins out loud. For some reason I feel like telling my sins to someone real, who won't tell anyone would just help so much. I've recently been thinking of sending myself to therapy. It really has a bad reputation but honestly, as humans, I think everyone should be seeing someone to help them with their problems. My problem is I don't feel quite strong enough to actually send myself to a therapist.

I think I know the solution, but I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid to be alone, to not have someone who knows me inside and out. I guess thats the hardest part. Part of me wants to hold on, after all its been almost 1 year. But I can't decide if its worth waiting around for. It eats me up alive you know? I came back from seeing him today my overly gushingly happy that I love, but is that just because of the physical aspect and the effects it has? Endorphins and all that? I don't know. He hit it on the nail himself and said he felt like he was holding me back. And I mean with some things he is, but why hasn't he tried to do anything when I'm around. Or asked me out to dinner, or to come over. I want the formality we lack. And I'm not sure how to get that. As I'm writing this my answer is in my head and my heart. But then again, I also don't give him enough credit for how mature he actually is.

The other thing is the dealing with the family aspect. I hate having him over to my house now because my mother just disapproves of him so much, which is so frustrating in it of itself. She knows he's a good kid, but then she goes and asks "When are we going to get rid of him?" and it kills me. Why can't she just be happy I'm happy? Because she does have a huge impact on me, whether she realizes it or not. And it kills me to not be able to think independently or make my own decisions in complete disregard to her input. I know she just wants the best for me, but right now, I'm not sure what is best for me.

I know she would completely disapprove of the idea of "friends with benefits" but honestly that would just be the best thing right now. Yet I know that's not going to happen. I know that because if I do break his heart I dont know if he would be able to see me in that light. But then I also really disapprove of him going to his "other girl".

Anyways I'm exhausted and have a busy day, trying to clean up the mess my big mouth has created. I'm working on closing it, don't worry. And learning how to deal with reality, but that one's easy, right?