confession

I wish Judaism had a form of confession like Christians do, where you go and physically say your sins out loud. For some reason I feel like telling my sins to someone real, who won't tell anyone would just help so much. I've recently been thinking of sending myself to therapy. It really has a bad reputation but honestly, as humans, I think everyone should be seeing someone to help them with their problems. My problem is I don't feel quite strong enough to actually send myself to a therapist.

I think I know the solution, but I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid to be alone, to not have someone who knows me inside and out. I guess thats the hardest part. Part of me wants to hold on, after all its been almost 1 year. But I can't decide if its worth waiting around for. It eats me up alive you know? I came back from seeing him today my overly gushingly happy that I love, but is that just because of the physical aspect and the effects it has? Endorphins and all that? I don't know. He hit it on the nail himself and said he felt like he was holding me back. And I mean with some things he is, but why hasn't he tried to do anything when I'm around. Or asked me out to dinner, or to come over. I want the formality we lack. And I'm not sure how to get that. As I'm writing this my answer is in my head and my heart. But then again, I also don't give him enough credit for how mature he actually is.

The other thing is the dealing with the family aspect. I hate having him over to my house now because my mother just disapproves of him so much, which is so frustrating in it of itself. She knows he's a good kid, but then she goes and asks "When are we going to get rid of him?" and it kills me. Why can't she just be happy I'm happy? Because she does have a huge impact on me, whether she realizes it or not. And it kills me to not be able to think independently or make my own decisions in complete disregard to her input. I know she just wants the best for me, but right now, I'm not sure what is best for me.

I know she would completely disapprove of the idea of "friends with benefits" but honestly that would just be the best thing right now. Yet I know that's not going to happen. I know that because if I do break his heart I dont know if he would be able to see me in that light. But then I also really disapprove of him going to his "other girl".

Anyways I'm exhausted and have a busy day, trying to clean up the mess my big mouth has created. I'm working on closing it, don't worry. And learning how to deal with reality, but that one's easy, right?