Heartbreak Warfare

I'm not sure where to start. Frustration would kind of describe how I feel right now. But I'm disappointed, upset, hurt, and angry as well. I guess all of these feelings are what one normally feels right after a break up... mine were just postponed a bit. I just don't get him, Brad that is. He's literally more dramatic than me. And clearly, doesn't want anything to do with me anymore (okay... so now it's my turn to be dramatic). So I'm not going to give him that option. It sucked to be sitting there and how we normally would've been really flirty and all that and now we just sit there. Maybe we were just too good together or something but I don't think that was the case, or is the case for that matter. It's so stupid that he gets nervous about commitment and so he's going to act differently which as a result impacts our whole relationship. Like okay, I get that you're 21 and are supposed to get married in the next 9 years but guess what, thats exactly what I want. And you know that. I can't say I'm surprised that that would freak him out but I just feel so let down. And his lying... like how am I supposed to know what he really has said or done. Maybe he just told me he talked to his mom about me because he knew I would like it. Seeing him the way I am right now, that wouldn't surprise me AT ALL. But now I just don't know what to do.

I suppose this is good. I get to feel my actual break up. Heartbreak... all that jazz that every girl loves. All is not fair in love and war. I don't know why anyone would think that. It's not true. I don't see how it could be. Because this, me and Brad, isn't fair. Maybe that's just saying what we have isn't love, but part of me felt like it was, in a different way than with Patrick. So now I'm sitting in a trench, waiting for the next move to happen. I've lost a few limbs so far, but maybe those can get re-attached if I so happen to be lucky enough. Maybe I'll just be leaning on everyone the rest of my life...that's not so much up to me at this point. I never really thought about the phrase "heartbreak warfare" but right now, in this moment, I can't think of a word that better fits my feelings.

Me, Myself, and I

I am exhausted. Emotionally, physically, everythingcally. I broke up with Patrick on Monday and maybe it's finally setting in. Brad really makes me happy but really makes me confused as well and that's just so frustrating for me. I'm trying to learn to be on my own but it doesn't help that I basically found the man of my dreams before I even broke up with Patrick. Talk about bad timing.

Part of me wants to just let loose and be the stereotypical college girl, and part of me is saying why? That's not you. It's not what you want, it's not good for you, you're going to get hurt. And me being me I listen to the second half. And then there's Steph who is telling me I'm already in another relationship, when I'm not. Brad and I are weird. And I'm somewhat okay with that. Like I said, its frustrating. Frustrating isn't the worst thing in the world though is it?

I have come to learn that society's social norms are extremely rigid and it is so looked down upon if you do anything but. How frustrating ! Actually.

Why can't I just go from one person to another if I feel ready? Why do I need to be "on my own"? What if we both want the same things and soon and get along so well and make each other so happy and understand each other like no one else can? Why wait?

Nobody Said It Was Easy

To be honest, I'm so exhausted right now this won't be my best post. But I told Patrick tonight about everything that bothered me in our relationship, his lack of input, lack of effort, etc. I can't put into words how I feel right now. I know I love him, and I know I always will. But besides that, I don't know what kind of love. Part of me is absolutely capable of making myself forget I felt all of this, or rather than forget simply move forward. Part of me is done with what we had. I know he's not. I know he was so upset tonight when we talked. I know that. And it broke my heart.

Right now, I feel more alone than I have in a long time. And surprisingly, I'm moderately okay with it. But only moderately. I dont know what to make of it though. I don't know if I'm trying to protect myself or what but it's more than confusing. And I don't like not understanding myself. And then there's my one "guy friend" who we agreed to be just friends. And he was the one I wanted to talk to. But I was too tired. So maybe that will be tomorrow.

Nobody said it was easy. I've known that from the start, relationships are work. I've just never been in this state of mind before.

Nobody said it was easy. But did people say it was hard?