Can any body find me somebody to love?

I'm not sure why I can't sleep right now. I don't know if its because I actually like Hunter and I'm mad that Lily does too but I mean, Caroline doesn't want me dating him. She wants Lily dating him and thats okay with me, in all honesty it is. I know its not that she doesn't think I'm good enough for her little brother because I know she thinks I am, I'm just older. and Lily's slightly awkward so he's just perfect for them. IDKK.

I just want someone who wants to talk to me, Caroline has Rich, Lily now has Hunter, Kelly has Dan, Virginia has Mike, Jon has Molly. And I have .... Teddy. Don't get me wrong, I love the dog. And I love Jon, but its just not the same. I think this is the first time in FOREVER that I haven't had someone after me, and thats weird for me. I don't really know what to do. Well I do, and I'm fine with being just kind of like the boper around-er but I just want someone to say goodnight at the end of the day. Yeah I'm PMSing and now I'm over tired and stressed from formals. But I just want a boy to hold me and carry me when I want but throw me down against a bed 30 seconds later and be super aggressive. But apparently that's not around right now.

Which like I said, is fine. Most of the time. Also I found out that Tara isn't finishing school on time and is doing her student teaching later because she's taking care of her mental health next semester. I guess that bothered me a lot because I want her to want to fix our friendship. Yeah I can go on without her, easily. I really disliked her insensitivity but I think I also gave her some of that as well. The compassion that she lacked. But I have no respect for her now and part of me wants her to know that. I dont know. I could write her a senior letter in so many different ways, bitching her out and such but I dont know if I want to. I wish it could all go away.

I want to text Cole but I want to do it on my own. By myself. And there is no where to go, no point in time where I can do that here and know that I am alone and have time to myself and shouldn't be doing anything else. My body is just tense. I hate it. I'm exhausted and yet my body still finds the energy in it to tense up its muscles, clench my jaw and not be able to sleep. Not liking being back at school, but I knew I wasn't going to. I really need to not be social in any way shape or form for the next week and get all of my stuff done. maybe I'll just do that. Oh but we have formal.... meh. this isn't going to work out well. dlfksjlfjdkfjad so sleepy. And Davison is offering to come pick me up and make me breakfast in the morning and such. but I don't want to have sex with him. I dont like it with him. I just want to sleep and someone to care for me and text me goodmorning or goodnight. its REALLY not that much to ask for.

Also i have a slight inkling that Hunter likes me and not Lily but I obviously don't know for sure. I would just never want what happened between Caroline and Alex to happen to anyone else.I guess I feel better getting this all out. But at the same time, I wish I could type all night.

Love/Hate

One of my friends once randomly brought up that she doesn't think the opposite of love is hate, it's indifference. To which, I was somewhat shocked by because the phrase is so popular... like "its a love/hate relationship". But I realized, if you're going to hate something, you have to feel something towards it. So wouldn't the opposite of love be feeling nothing? to not care whether they're dating someone else, do things before you, or talk about you behind your back..?

Part of me says yes, but part of me says no. I think hate and love are on opposite ends of extreme emotions. So in that retrospect, yes hate is the opposite of love. 

The think that kills me the most is its the ones you once loved that you're going to hate the most. Its the ones you once cared about and then they hurt you, and whether you can forgive them or not, thats your choice. I like to hold grudges.

Grudges in the sense that if they're not ready to admit they did something wrong, and I am positive I did nothing to deserve that treatment. And thats how this is. Except I also have the greatest fear that maybe I did do something that awful. But if I did, I was drunk enough that it shouldn't be held to me. 

How can someone who has told you she wants you in her wedding go around and say "you're letting your personal life get in the way and i'm doing this to keep you from having to deal with your reputation which is why no one gets back to you." 

1) I'm not letting my personal life get in the way. Yeah he's an asshole, but thats not why I said no. I said no because I couldn't trust that one girl to maintain everyone else's safety and all and have my name on the line, because I don't trust her. Sorry. You're going to tell me you're back to having a drinking problem... I'm going to not trust your ability to make decisions. Because she was fine, and now she's not.

2) You're the one fucking person (changing point of view) you're the ONE fucking person who took me out to lunch to tell me when I should get another date to formal because the guy I was into had another girl. If you can tell me that, and not that I embarrassed myself beyond all belief one night,  and how they're still talking about it, then fuck you. There's no reason you can't tell them "shut the fuck up she's my best friend and sister" and quiet that shit down. I know you're shit talking me behind my back. As am I to you, but only because you hurt me. There is NOTHING I did to you that could hurt you that much. 

You should really quit and be the druggy party girl you apparently are. so go for it. I'll do you a favor and stop caring.


And then theres the boy. Who I absolutely adore but confuses the crap out of me 90% of the time. You can't keep mentioning herpes and joking about it when I have it, which maybe you know? If you do, I'd rather you just say something... I've been careful about it for a reason. Especially with you. And then to just throw in syphilis when I ask why after you say you're feeling like shit... not how it works at this age bud. I know you're only 17 but you really often act far beyond your years.. but I think about me when I was 17 and I'm such a different person. I'm nervous to see how you're going to change, because I did, but I'm not sure you will  change a little bit. But I really just want to spend more time with you, so I hope we can.

Shawn Johnston

It's really not funny, but at the same time it is. But I don't understand what pushed him to think that sending that to me was a good idea!? Why would you think that!??? I had JUST told him how thats happened to me 2 times before. I know I'm pms-ing and I'm sick and stressed and like I'm glad I can laugh at it right now but reaaally Andrew?!

But at the same time, all I want to do is just lie somewhere with him. I don't really get it,  I know I'm more comfortable with him because he's so much younger but at the same time, he constantly challenges me and makes me thinks differently and pushes ALL of my buttons. I just wish it was.....legal.

No Matter What You Say

I don't understand how people like Alyssa can literally not give a shit about what people think about them. And I know sometimes it's a bad thing, but right now it only seems like the most amazing thing in all of the world.

There should never be reason for a "friend" to be as much of an asshole as Ethan is being right now. Never. I don't care if I didn't fuck you one night and you're mad because you clearly think I've fucked your roommate and not you, but get over yourself. I didn't, first of all. And second of all, it's because I have herpes. Not because I dislike you. Which you now made me do. So if you are going to be mad at anyone, be mad at yourself for pushing the limits when you should've known not to.

I act tough a lot, but I'm the biggest baby you will ever meet. I cry at the drop of a hat and hurt for everyone. I know its a flaw but its better than not caring at all. 

He makes me feel worse about myself than having herpes does.

UGH.

I actually have no words for how I feel right now. I can't listen to one of my friends say Connor was a deuche to me and then say that he's her friend and that he's with this other girl now and they're adorable. WHAT THE FUCK. Don't talk to me about him. He tore my world apart and what happened after him and because of him tore it apart even more. If he hadn't done what he did, I have no doubt I wouldn't have herpes right now. Well maybe a little but most likely not. 


It's not fucking fair.


It's not fucking fair that she gets to be treated well by him after she tried to hide him from everyone. Who does that. Why can't everyone be fucking nice and normal and not assholes and bitches and the world would be a much happier place.


Because that would be being intelligent, which Connor certainly isn't, he's smart, but not with anything other than school. For all I know, he is autistic because that would explain why he is good with sheer facts and music. It makes almost TOO much sense not to be true.


To Connor even though I know you'll NEVER read this:


Fuck you. I said that to one other guy before and he was my best friend but I mean this in a TOTALLY different way. 


You hurt me literally like NO ONE has before. I'd rather talk to the fucking guy who gave me herpes than talk to you again. Because you're not innocent, you're not nice, and you're sure as hell not a man if you can't tell me that you're moving on to my FACE. AAAAFTER  telling me that you know that I'm not a hook up girl. And drawing a heart on my sock. GO. A-W-A-Y. I really mean it. I really don't ever want to see you again. 


Like as much as I was hurt when I saw Ricky after we stopped talking, BECAUSE OF YOU, you hurt me more. Which I shouldn't have allowed. But you did. 


So for that I say it again.


FUCK YOU.

HOME

"Home is wherever I'm with you" 

"Home is where the heart is"

There are so many quotes surrounding the word home. And when I was catching up with one of my friends from home who had just been in France for the semester, she was saying how she was struggling to define what was her home. And I guess that kind of explains why my oldest sister is home so much. But still, she drives me crazy.

Anyways, home is a funny thing. I don't know where I consider home, I guess here. But my heart is here and at school so I could never tell you which I love more. But when I'm at school, its "our" place. As in any guy who I have a relationship with, thats where the relationship is. Except Ricky.... but that is a different story and I can't tell if I really love him and I really think I do but I cannot for the LIFE of me tell how he feels now and that kills me.

The Unknown

I'm really not sure what it is anymore. I don't know if its still me putting myself back together or if it's something else. But I can honestly say I truly hate how every guy who's my dream guy goes for a girl who's skinnier than me. It's the first thing I notice right off the bat. And I hate that. As much as I love my body,  I know it could be better. But I also I just don't get it. Why does Connor actually like Jackie? How could he say ALL that shit to me and then just drop me for a girl he described as crazy... and then drop that one for another. In the end, I just want to be his friend so I can be like what the FUCK were you thinking. But he hurt me too much for me to ever EVER trust him again. And I think I hate that. 


It doesn't help that Ricky barely trusts me. He barely talks to me, barely texts me. I guess I shouldn't say he barely talks to me. We sat at Starbucks today for a solid hour talking and I was so happy. But he gave me a quick hug when I wanted a long one. And his text had far more punctuation than they used to, but he responded. IDK. I know he's protecting himself this time but I need him to embrace me one last time, me and all my ridiculousness. I sit there looking at him and he is NOTHING of what I wanted in a guy. Honestly, nothing. But I wish I could just sit there and talk to him forever. I don't think I would get sick of it. 


I just hate how the one person I can't have, and at this point don't want because he was such an asshole, is the one that encompassed everything I ever dreamed of. I don't get it. It rattles my brain and pushes me to so many different levels of dislike and distrust and everything and I don't know what to make of it. but goddamnit jackie dall, I hope he never does to you what he did to me. I also hope that you two dont make it so he can be on his own. alone. like he should be. because no one should ever treat a person like that. tell them the goddamn truth.


but then I guess you could say I failed there too. Because I never told Cole that he gave me herpes. Which I really probably should have and didn't. Not to say that I regret it but its just one of those things, like if he gave that to another girl and I found out I would feel so horrible I can't even explain it. The pain that I went through with that not only physically but mentally and emotionally is so great I have no words to describe it. And I would hate for anyone to ever have that experience.


I wish I had never come up with a guy who was "my type". I wish all girls didn't. It would make dating and heartbreak and everything so much easier because you wouldn't be driven to repeatedly date the same guy. I wish I could do a lot for girls. I do a lot for myself and theres always more to be done. But I wish I could help all of those girls who are growing up with these stick figure girls on the tvs and all the adds with sex and drugs in them it kills me. I want it to be better. maybe i'll look at dove programs or something. that would actually be amazing. but also... girls aren't the only ones that need help.


All in all, theres SO much going on in my "giant" brain. So many thoughts going in circle after circle and this helps, but only so much. Time is really the determining factor in all of this, it's helped me before and I'm sure it will help me again so I guess I just have to wait? I dont know...

8 letters. one sentence.

I'm not going to say this is the final deal but  I know its the real deal. I did EVERYTHING possible to avoid it but clearly something attracted me to you the first time we met and for a good reason. But I literally spent a good full year trying to run away from that and it makes me laugh that you're the one I care so much about. I didn't think you would be the one, or that it would actually be kind of like twenty seven dresses, but it is. I love being with you but you're so pessimistic and grumpy about things but for some weird reason I couldn't stand not being your friend. I hate how I haven't seen you in a few weeks but I know its not the end of the world. I know you will always love me and just so you know; I love you.

the one deadly sin

Honestly, I haven't even really thought about the 6 other sins. But I can say that jealousy is a vicious one. I was so jealous of Gen's friendships and her relationships but I realized after this weekend, there's no need to be. Yeah I made a lot of friends by making out with them but that's just me. And it felt so good to be me after not being me for 2 months. I'm back to normal, almost. It's funny how that one thing can push you so far away from yourself and cause such chaos in your life without you knowing. And I'm finally starting to get over Connor fully too, and get over what he did to me.

It feels good. But it's scary how jealous can drive someone to hate someone else they don't even know, simply because they have what you want. It's also scary how easy it is to lose someone in your life and they can just coexist with you. Not necessarily peacefully... but enough.

And its funny which guys are the nice guys. The ones who get you countless cups of water when your night is coming to an end to make sure you're not hungover. I just wish I knew how to not break those guys' hearts. Because those are the good ones you'll always want to be your friend.

All in all, it feels great to be on my path again. It's terrifying how far off I was. I just need to remember that when I'm home so I don't fall into that trap again. I love my life, my life is worth loving. And I need to never forget that.

You are

my person. You, are my person. You are the one I didn't even know I needed. But now I need you more than ever. I need you to help me put me back together. And I know its a lot to ask of you after all that I put you through but I need you. I can't do this myself. And it scares the shit out of me because I've never willingly depended on someone so much. But if it's not going to be you I can honestly say I don't now how far I'll go before I let someone else help. I'm at the bottom more than you could imagine and I don't know how to go up because everything seems to be pushing me down.

It's a challenge. And I hope you accept. Because I never ever would've thought that you would've been this person for me. You are. It's not something anyone else could help me with, I've tried trust me. And I tried to do it without you, but that didn't work either.

I don't know if you realize how messed up I am right now. Or how much you sitting there watching me cry saying we never stopped being friends meant to me. Or hearing that you thought about me a lot. I really thought I was dead to you. After all, I really deserve to be. But for some god forsaken reason you were still willing to watch out for me and be there for me. When I need you most. Which is now.

It might seem like I'm happy but I'm not. After we talked was the first time in three months I've felt anything close to my normal me. And this probably seems overdramatic but it's not. It's just honest. Just like the rest of this. It's not easy for me to admit that I need you. If it were up to me I'd be doing this all on my own and being stubborn to no end and being independent but I've learned I can't. I know you're probably not ready for me full force but I need you to be because theres so much more I couldn't even form the words to say to you at Starbucks. I just didn't know how much you meant to me. Or how messed up my life really is right now. And I just want to know for sure that you'll be in it for the long run. And that you'll help me. Because I really can't go through not having you to talk to again. 

All in all, this might be a little dramatic. But actually no, because I've felt this way now for a while. And it sucks. Its just like Emily said, its hard to wake up the next day knowing that its going to suck more than the next. But I'm optimistic. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And your hug was the best. 

decisions decisions decisions

If I even spelled that word right that is. I hate decisions. Especially recently when I seem to be constantly making the WRONG  decisions. I'm trying. I am. I really really am, but when everything seems to go wrong your optimism is tested in every way possible. And I'm most certainly an optimist. But when I see people like Connor do what they do and say what they say without any bit of regret or remorse or anything, it just makes me wonder how much people actually care. I feel like if everyone was like me, everyone would be happier. Don't people get that? Don't people get that if you're nice to someone they'll be nice back. Or if you smile, you'll make them smile?  Why is everything so messed up? Why can't people see that some things need to be done in order to get places.


But no, I don't want to write my papers to get my grades because there are 29837480274058 other things I'd rather be doing. Like writing this for example. Or going to get my nails done, or talking to Ricky. But its raining and I don't want to talk inside anywhere and I cant come to my house so... idk. I don't know where to go. And I'm at the point where I'm literally making myself sick, to the point of puking (again), because I'm so fucking nervous.


I know it sounds like I'm just complaining. And part of it is, but part of it is me really struggling with these things. Half the time I feel like I should be going to therapy but the other half I know I'm strong enough to figure this out on my own. And I want to to prove it to myself. So I'm going to try. and try again and again and again.

so much can change in less than a second.

there's always that feeling, that split second before you hit the ground when you know you're going to crash. and yet the only thing you can do is try to remember how to fall. to loosen every muscle in your body but protect your head and neck. dont put your arms out or try to stop. you wont.

and when that all happens to someone else, its scary as hell.

Shut UP already

I've been home a total of what... 5 days now? And in those five days, my mother has managed to make me feel like absolute shit. Maybe its because its period week. Maybe its because she's just a bitch. I dunno. Whether I dress in short shorts one day while my sister wears them constantly shouldn't matter. oh waiiiiiit but it does, because i'm so fat. BULLSHIT. first of all, i'm not  fat. second of all, if you're going to give me shit, give it to your other daughter who who is fat and dresses like shit. Sorry I got herpes and didn't want to wear pants where I have to wear underwear... and still don't want to. Really forgive me. Because clearly getting herpes wasn't punishment enough for my actions. Oh and then to get my car vandalized and to not have a summer.. and to have to spend the summer with you where you yell at me for everything and can never be happy? sorry, that just sounds so enjoyable I really should be more enthusiastic.  I REALLY need to be SO happy about living in a place where I have to hide alcohol that I RESPONSIBLY  drink. because its such a crime. you know what I have to say? FUCK YOU. just like i said to Ricky. Who I also have to deal with. so yes. I will be a bitch because you controlling me makes my life absolutely miserable. yeah someone has it worse. but guess what. i'm not going to spend my life comparing my life to others. because that would make me even ore miserable than I am. and yes I am going to get that tattoo.

rock bottom?

i dont want to mope. thats really the last thing i want to do. but right now, when i have my friends telling me that they're having sex with a guy after a romantic dinner and i realize i can't do that.


i dont even know what to say. i want to be back with ricky in the way that i can go to him when i need a giant hug. but i know that i want to also cross that line with him sometimes. something about having herpes really fucks with your head. and i know there are all of those websites of people saying how herpes changed their lives and made them live better. but i was being good. this one time i got too drunk and the guy had a COLD SORE in his mouth and i end up with this shit.

and i've had endless car problems, endless friend problems, and endless boy problems. along with school and family and sisters and coordination issues. it fucking sucks.


i just want to sit with a bottle of alcohol in a corner in front of a tv for hours and hours on end. thats all

Take 2973

Ricky-


I need you to read this whole thing without shutting it all out. I need you to listen. And I need you to respond.

I know you're not necessarily into it, but the song I'm listening to couldn't be more fitting to listen to while writing this. I'm not even going to tell you because it doesn't matter. I just can't even find a place to start. My semester has been worse than you can imagine. And now that it's coming to an end it makes me think about our friendship probably more than I should seeing as I'm not even finishing school on time this semester. I just don't want to lose you. And I don't know if I have.


I know the last time we actually talked was that friday afternoon, and I know how hard that was for me, and I know it wasn't easy for you. You said you could completely cut me out of your life and would be fine with it, but that you didn't want to. And I didn't want you to. And I still don't. But I'm not sure what I want either, which I know was part of why you wanted to stop talking. When I saw you in the library that random wednesday afternoon my stomach literally dropped. I hadn't seen you in so long and I was okay with that until I saw you. I blocked you on facebook chat and unfollowed you on twitter because I couldn't deal with seeing your name everywhere. And I know that sounds extreme but you were my best friend. You were always looking out for not only me, but my friends too. Losing you was and still is really sad. And I've cried a lot for a lot of different reasons. Every time a cop shows up at a party I still think of the sig ep party when the cops came at the very end and Kate and I had been hiding in a closet and I just remember coming out of it and looking at my phone to see you calling me but then looking up and seeing you walking towards me in the basement and giving me the biggest hug and of course I ended up crying but you were the only person I wanted to see right then.

I really don't know what else to say to you. I could actually go on for a lot longer but I don't think I need to. If you want me to explain more I can try. But even writing this much was a challenge. What it comes down to is I just want to know. I want to know if you do just want to cut me out of your life or if you want to do what you said and go back to being friends? And if you do, when? I know you're stressed from finals, and trust me so am I. But I need this, so I'm asking you as someone who used to be my friend who I always tried to talk to when something bothered me to answer this. I miss you.

Love,
Marcy

hurricane status

I don't really have a place to start. 


I guess I could start with Ricky. I don't know if I really miss him or if I just miss someone giving me the attention he gave me. But I don't think thats it. I think I really do love him and that all of my experiences since we stopped being friends just show how I really needed to get it out of me and now, especially after getting herpes.... I realize that more than ever.     I miss him. 


Ricky, if I could say something to you in person I don't even know if I could. I miss your hugs, the way your face lit up when you saw me and the way you stood next to me with your arm around my waist at parties. You always made me feel safe. You made me feel like I meant the world and that nothing would ever hurt me when I was with you. And then I went and fucked all of that up. I'm not saying I want to take it back or say sorry because 1) I dont. I learned more than you think I did from everything and I needed to have my own experiences. You always looked out for me and I know it was because you wanted what was best for me but I am/was still at that age where I needed to have the experiences. and 2) because I know  that it doesn't fix a thing. I hurt you, a lot, and repeatedly. And part of me fully knew that but I guess I just never realized it till I lost you as my friend. I considered you my best friend and to loose my best friend was the scariest thing ever. I cried so hard the day I walked back into the house after our talk on that Friday afternoon and I cried even more, when you texted me after a party which I was more than drunk at, saying we can't be friends because I'm immature. For me to hear that you didn't want to be friends with me through a TEXT message, after I have always made the effort to talk to you in person, absolutely crushed me. Which was why I said "fuck you". I wish you could let your guard down a little just to the point of talking to me right now. I know you've done it before and I just keep fucking things up but I'm trying. Ricky I don't know what else there is to say. I miss you so much and I just want you back as my friend, maybe, MAYBE more than that. But I can't say for sure. Because I still don't know for sure. But I know how I feel now and I know that I can't do this not knowing if we're going to be friends ever again or not. But why should you believe me this time? Why should you even want to be my friend let alone anything more than that... I don't know. But I know I'm working on figuring my life out. I have had so many changes happen and some that I'm grateful have, some that I hate have but am still grateful they happened, and some I wished hadn't. I've had a few really really rough patches where all I wanted to do was show up at your door and see if you would even look at me. I've been at the bottom for a while now and I'm trying to come back up but everything has just pushed me back down. And you're the one I wished had been with me most of those times.

Fierce

I'm competitive. I know that. And I don't lose well either, especially when it comes to boys. And honestly, I'm finding it hard to see how Cole wants Katie over me. Yes I'm that competitive!. GET OVER IT. I won't.

But between that happening and then me "loosing" to all those other girls with the guys that like to fuck me over its like wow you've GOT to be kidding me. The only guys who are nice are the unattractive ones and even Ricky I managed to fuck up.

Girls aren't much better either. You'd think that my competitiveness would be in front of a lack of self esteem/ self confidence. But its more like I get over confident and then this is a reminder that I need to chill the fuck out. But its not that easy. Also why does Gen think its okay to say everything's fine when she blatantly won't even look at me or ANYTHING. COOL. I thought we were past the whole saying "it's fine" even though its not phase. Please, leave that shit in high school.

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST SAY SHIT STRAIGHT UP. ITS NOT THAT HARD. don't tell me you're fucking "hanging out" when its a date. I fucking slept with him last week. LESS THAN A WEEK AGO. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THATS OKAY!? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT. UGH.

Black and White

I know everything isn't black and white. Its not just right or wrong either. And I know that. But I haven't felt like I hit rock bottom ever and I think I'm pretty close to getting there. The plus side of that? You can only go up from there. But its scary when you're literally trying to run away from your problems as fast as you can with tears flowing down your face and trying to breathe between the tears and the fact that you have asthma and literally can't breath. And then when the one guy you never thought you would see in a million years calls you off the street and sees you crying and gives you a hug and tries his best to cheer you up. I forgot why I was into Davison in the first place but he was exactly the person I needed to see

Because even Ricky, who I tried to at least start to talk to again, wouldn't have come and given me a hug tonight. even though I spent a good hour down on the waterfront crying until I wanted to puke. Which sucks. And the only thing I wanted from him was a hug. And then the only other person who I would want one from is a guy who has become one of my absolute best friends who I would never in a million years want to hook up with. But I knew if I had gone to him as I was thats what it would've lead to. And part of me still wants to. But part of me doesn't, because once you go there, its hard to go back and pretend it never happened.

Its also pathetic that Connor thought it was totally okay to start talking to me as if we're just regular friends.

Which we're not.

Don't Want You Back.

Boy bands really knew what they were talking about... for the most part. I really do want him back though. Well I think I do? I just had a dream where he was back to being mine and I know I get so excited when Connor says anything to me but part of it's just the chase with him. But the other part is I know we could at least be good friends. But since when do hookups turn into friends... oh they don't. Ever. But I don't guy why guys don't want a relationship. Dom I can understand because he has valid point, however when the right girl comes along, she would totally understand. But like why won't Connor want a girlfriend? There's that liiiiittle bit of doubt in me that says "oh he might" and that just keeps me going but in reality, I know he just looks at me for sex. WHY. ugh.

Case of the Mondays

So it's only Monday because it's so late on Sunday. But I'm trying to have this new outlook on my social life. My goal is to not stress about my social life at all but just about school. And I've been doing a good job just about up until now. Now I'm struggling with the fact that I can't just treat Ricky the way I want to and expect him to be there at the end of the night when I go around kissing other boys. I don't want to do that to him. But I also don't want to drag him along or change my mind on him. I love him, I do. But my feelings are very different than if I was sexually attracted to him. And yes it's definitely a part of a relationship but where does the point in time come where you just say oh you're actually just such a great person that it doesn't even matter if you're not sexy or anything. but then the other part of me is saying well why are you going to settle for something, you deserve it all, you can have it all. But how!?