I'm not sure why I can't sleep right now. I don't know if its because I actually like Hunter and I'm mad that Lily does too but I mean, Caroline doesn't want me dating him. She wants Lily dating him and thats okay with me, in all honesty it is. I know its not that she doesn't think I'm good enough for her little brother because I know she thinks I am, I'm just older. and Lily's slightly awkward so he's just perfect for them. IDKK.
I just want someone who wants to talk to me, Caroline has Rich, Lily now has Hunter, Kelly has Dan, Virginia has Mike, Jon has Molly. And I have .... Teddy. Don't get me wrong, I love the dog. And I love Jon, but its just not the same. I think this is the first time in FOREVER that I haven't had someone after me, and thats weird for me. I don't really know what to do. Well I do, and I'm fine with being just kind of like the boper around-er but I just want someone to say goodnight at the end of the day. Yeah I'm PMSing and now I'm over tired and stressed from formals. But I just want a boy to hold me and carry me when I want but throw me down against a bed 30 seconds later and be super aggressive. But apparently that's not around right now.
Which like I said, is fine. Most of the time. Also I found out that Tara isn't finishing school on time and is doing her student teaching later because she's taking care of her mental health next semester. I guess that bothered me a lot because I want her to want to fix our friendship. Yeah I can go on without her, easily. I really disliked her insensitivity but I think I also gave her some of that as well. The compassion that she lacked. But I have no respect for her now and part of me wants her to know that. I dont know. I could write her a senior letter in so many different ways, bitching her out and such but I dont know if I want to. I wish it could all go away.
I want to text Cole but I want to do it on my own. By myself. And there is no where to go, no point in time where I can do that here and know that I am alone and have time to myself and shouldn't be doing anything else. My body is just tense. I hate it. I'm exhausted and yet my body still finds the energy in it to tense up its muscles, clench my jaw and not be able to sleep. Not liking being back at school, but I knew I wasn't going to. I really need to not be social in any way shape or form for the next week and get all of my stuff done. maybe I'll just do that. Oh but we have formal.... meh. this isn't going to work out well. dlfksjlfjdkfjad so sleepy. And Davison is offering to come pick me up and make me breakfast in the morning and such. but I don't want to have sex with him. I dont like it with him. I just want to sleep and someone to care for me and text me goodmorning or goodnight. its REALLY not that much to ask for.
Also i have a slight inkling that Hunter likes me and not Lily but I obviously don't know for sure. I would just never want what happened between Caroline and Alex to happen to anyone else.I guess I feel better getting this all out. But at the same time, I wish I could type all night.
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